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It’s that time again. One of the rare moments of the year that baseball importance eclipses football importance. Don’t worry it will go back to the correct way shortly. As anyone who follows sports in the slightest sense knows, its the defending champs, the Philadelphia Phillies taking on the team with the highest payroll and best record in baseball, the New York Yankees. Now, you may be asking yourself: “What are you going to tell me about the World Series that I didn’t already hear from ESPN or my local sports radio station?” and I’m here to say, “Lose weight before your knees buckle, fatty.”
I almost want to just litter this post with all of the hot WAGs that are in the game (I still think Johari Smith is busted) (Editor’s Note: I did anyway). Or I could talk about the douchebaggery of Jimmy Rollins. Then I could put a positive twist on it and talk about how the old timers like Jeter, Pettite, Rivera and Posada are having one last hoorah before they all make their way out of the sport and head to the Hall of Fame. There are many side stories to this game that make it great and really, didn’t you see it coming all along? If you bet 100$ on the Yankees and the Phillies ($200 total) to be in the World Series with the 4 to 1 odds and 17 to 1 odds respectively, you’d now be up $2,100. I wish I would’ve had that cash to blow after the first game of the season but I was too busy doing meth with Agassi.
Well, what I want to give is an unbiased opinion on a position v. position walkthrough of the World Series. Let me stress unbiased. Ok, here’s 1 WAG:
The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the previous day’s sporting events. Some teams/sports are left out due to extreme lack of caring…and pure laziness. Or because gimp will start having flashbacks of some of his bad trips and end up convulsing on the floor in fetal position.
It’s me again! What better way to kick off your morning, than a healthy dose of severe personality problems? Let’s get this rollin’…
NBA: So two things that were awesome happened yesterday for the season tip-off. #1 being (of course) my Celts rollin’ over the dynamic LBJ-Shaq Attack duo in the most talked about opener. I call them my Celts, because I love KG with all of my heart. If he needed a kidney, and I was sober for like.. at least a day…I would totally give it to him. I would also consider being his vessel for bringing the next great KG into the world. I don’t care if that’s creepy. Shut up. Anyway, he made a great comeback after being forced to sit the last 25 games of the previous season with a knee injury. He put up the double-double with 13 points & 10 rebounds. Oh! and! Paul Pierce was the Celts’ leading scorer with 23 points, and 11 rebounds for the double-double. Obviously LBJ was the Cavs’ leading scorer with 38 points. Do I care? NOPE. They got KTFO! Okay. So #2 comes in the form of the greatest headline ever: Lakers Launch Title Defense With Win Over Clippers. Maybe I’m just stating the obvious here, but shouldn’t we expect the Lakers to beat the Clippers? How depressing is that for the Clippers as a non-home-opener-kind-of-home-opener? I mean…they’re still at their arena, except 97% of the people in attendance are there to see the Lakers. I’m pretty sure even when the Lakers aren’t playing there, 97% of the people in attendance are still there to see the Lakers. It’s kind of like being the “grenade” of a pair of girl friends.
I was trying to get involved with the influx of commentakke over at KSK, but it is busier than normal with Jim Zorn’s job on the line. It’s been said that he was just feeding pigeons on the sideline and using his headset to make sure his direct deposit went through.
A quick update on my money league fantasy team; it didn’t get fucked over by a top performer as much as it got fucked over by BYE weeks and the Bellichick RB committee carries to the wrong guy. Who’d have thunk that Kevin Faulk would get 3 touches after the 2 of the top 5 RBs are down? I’m glad I didn’t give my fantasy advice for the week, because I would have gotten you 5 points.
Anywho, my team in this league got beaten by itself. My top performer was a QB who threw for 5 TDs and 0 INTs and somehow managed only 29 points and Minnesota’s defense got me 0 points for the second time this year. Well, here we go…
QB: Carson Palmer- Owned by Logic. 233 yards and 5 TDs only grabs you 29 points which kind of sucks. TDs are 4 and 25 yards per point. This is a RB heavy league and I missed the draft, so fuck me, right?
QB: Tony Romo- Owned by Flubby and the Tequilla Mockingbirds (the most clever name in our league, IMO. How’d you miss this, Gimp?). Flubby got hit with the BYE hard this week but Romo got him 311 yards and 3 TDs in the air and 31 yards on the ground.
WR: Miles Austin- Owned by Punter and Brandon. This guy has gotten 16 catches for 421 yards and 2 TDs in his first 2 starts. I guess he’s a “must-start”, huh?
WR: dEsEAN jACKSON- Owned by the good doctor. 124 total yards and 2 TDs and 28 return yards, Jackson is having a solid day with 26 minutes left in MNF.
WR: Chad “Lost My” Johnson- Owned by Flubby. 118 yards and 2 TDs from the Carson Palmer. Ochocinco is having a Pro Bowl year for the unlikely Bungals.
RB: Ryan Grant- Owned by Adam (Shiancock). 150+ yards and 1 TD made Ryan Grant one of the week’s top earners v. Eric Mangini and his SS Browns. In related news, Brown is the color of shit. And the Browns are shitty. You really can’t get analysis like this anywhere else. Haha. Anal.
RB: Ricky Williams- Owned by Bucholtz. 92 totals yards and 3 TDs in the explosive game against those Saints. Only earned A/b 27 points but still a very good day.
RB: Cedric Benson- Owned by Rob. 189 yards and 1 TD in the blow out of his old team in Midtown. You think there were hard feelings? I’m starting to think that grudge matches are a great strategy (i.e. Shockey v. Giants and Ricky Williams v. Saints…seems to be a theme).
RB: Shonn Green- Free Agent. 144 yards and 2 TDs in his breakout performance. I’m just mad at the fact that in my money league, I have 3 Jets fans and 2 guys who need a RB ahead of me in the Waiver wire. God damn you, Eddie Royal! Why did you look so attractive last week?
TE: Vernon Davis- Owned by Logic. 90+ yards and 3 TDs after the QB change in San Francisco. Who knows, maybe he won’t be a bust?
Rob Bironas, Brandon Marshall and Mark Clayton- James Brown* was all excited about this league when it first started. Then going 1-5 made him “not care” and now he’s starting people with BYEs to have an excuse when he finishes dead last in our league. Yeah, even behind Gimp and Max and they are about as dumb as ether addicts.
RB: Glen Coffee- Gimp. I don’t know if he got the memo, but Frank Gore is back.
WR: Pierre Garcon and Hines Ward- Gally. Combined for 2.70 points.
WR- Patrick Crayton from Shiancocky. Had 97 yards and 2 TDs in the romp of the dirty birds. Tony Romo almost looked…good. Except for his post-game hat. That was gay as AIDs.
WR: Hakeem Nicks- Owned by Dok. Dok can’t predict injuries (to Andre Johnson), but Nicks who has had a loooong TD reception in the last 4 games should have been looked at for the flex. But again, Hester out earned Nicks by .10. I can’t blame Dok for the moves, but I’m just sayin’ it’s something to look at, you know?
TE: Jeremy Shockey- My favorite player outside of New York is owned by Gimp who sits him for Heath Miller? C’mon you fuckin’ fuck. Even Baby Logic knows Shockey has a better offense (and QB) than Heath Miller. Not to mention that Miami has been terrible against TEs all year.
RB: Ricky Williams- Bucholtz. He benefited from MJD having a BYE week, but a good start nonetheless.
Felix Jones- Xmas Ape. I really just wanted to fill this section out. Ape sat Jones who has been riddled with injuries and all he contributed to the game with a fumble.
Pick Up of the Week?
If you didn’t know… It’s fucking Shonn Green. Duh. 144 yards and 2 TDs after Leon Washington broke his fibula and could be out for his career. I wonder if he’s regretting the fact he went to FSU and got that “solid education”?
Also, in our league… The return men seem to be dominating the point scoring. So if you have a return man who is involved in their offense like DeSean Jackson, Eddie Royal or Percy Harvin…turn them to a “must-start” if your scoring is similar to ours.
When asked for comment on the fantasy football week, my druggy friend Nick said: “Whatever man. I’m hallucinating. I need to leave so I can watch Barry Bonds beat the Seahawks.”
But seriously, folks…poop and drug jokes aside, I hope fantasy football gets outlawed from the United States, because I’m sick of being wrong. The only person giving worse advice than me is Big Troph, (thanks for the TO/Addai trade advice. I was lucky to turn TO into Shockey for crying out loud). Well, if you pretend that he messed you up you can get a free logo, according to his twitter.
/rubs hands together
Revenge is mine!
*Okay, for obviously giving up on our league, now you get ripped…Well, James Brown, that’s what you get for drafting like its 2007… LaDanian Tomlinson, Clinton Portis, Roy Williams, Jay Cutler AND Willis McGahee? C’mon. You’re better than that…
The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the previous days sporting events. Some teams/sports are left out due to extreme lack of caring…and pure laziness.
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The World Series is set as the Yankees finished off the Angels last night 5-2. Which gave Logic a reason to pull the gun out of his mouth, just long enough before placing it back in after the Giants lost. I would post more stats, and talk about the game itself, but that would involve too much caring.
The NFL continued their expansion into the UK as the Buc took on the Patriots. Sucks to be the Bucs, as they lost 35-7. Embarrassing, losing 35-7 at home. More embarrassing, having to travel 1,000+ miles to get beat 35-7.
Jay Cutler showed off why signing him to $30+ million contract extension was totally worth it as he threw 3 interceptions in a 10-45 loss to the Bengals. Cedric Benson got his revenge against his former team and Matt Forte continues to make Fantasy Football owners kick themselves in the ass with his lofty 24 yards of rushing.
Brett Favre and the Vikings took their first loss of the season yesterday afternoon after losing to the Steelers 27-17. With a minute or so remaining in the game Favre threw a costly interception that was returned for 6. Well okay, it wasn’t really his fault, stupid Chester Taylor should have pulled it down, but instead popped it up into the air for an easy interception. An interception than not only put the game out of reach, but fucked my parlay bet of the Vikings +6. His fault or not I still have to blame this one on Favre.
The Saints trailed at halftime 10-24 to the Miami Parrtoheads Dolphins. However, the 2nd half was a totally different story as they came back to win 46-34. The Saints are either that good or the Dolphins are just good at blowing a 21 points lead. Probably a combination of the two. Those looking for a blueprint on how to blow a 21 point lead can use this game’s tape to formulate that sort of game plan. Saints, still undefeated. Dolphins, 2-4. Ted Ginn Jr., couldn’t catch a pass if his life depended on it. I mean, seriously they could make a Saw movie with him in it and make his life or death challenge catching footballs. He’d be dead in a matter of seconds.
Of course there were other games, but I am far too lazy to list them all. If you really want detailed analysis go read ESPN’s website or a newspaper.