The World Series, Logicisized.

Get Used to That, America.

It’s that time again. One of the rare moments of the year that baseball importance eclipses football importance. Don’t worry it will go back to the correct way shortly. As anyone who follows sports in the slightest sense knows, its the defending champs, the Philadelphia Phillies taking on the team with the highest payroll and best record in baseball, the New York Yankees. Now, you may be asking yourself: “What are you going to tell me about the World Series that I didn’t already hear from ESPN or my local sports radio station?” and I’m here to say, “Lose weight before your knees buckle, fatty.”

I almost want to just litter this post with all of the hot WAGs that are in the game (I still think Johari Smith is busted) (Editor’s Note: I did anyway). Or I could talk about the douchebaggery of Jimmy Rollins. Then I could put a positive twist on it and talk about how the old timers like Jeter, Pettite, Rivera and Posada are having one last hoorah before they all make their way out of the sport and head to the Hall of Fame. There are many side stories to this game that make it great and really, didn’t you see it coming all along? If you bet 100$ on the Yankees and the Phillies ($200 total) to be in the World Series with the 4 to 1 odds and 17 to 1 odds respectively, you’d now be up $2,100. I wish I would’ve had that cash to blow after the first game of the season but I was too busy doing meth with Agassi.

Well, what I want to give is an unbiased opinion on a position v. position walkthrough of the World Series. Let me stress unbiased. Ok, here’s 1 WAG:

The Lovely Minka Kelly

It’s going to go Phillies v. Yankees, for the mongoloids that live in vans down by the river.

Left Field: Raul Ibanez v. Johnny Damon.

This seems a lot closer than it really is. Johnny Damon is a gamer. Ibanez had one fluke season in which he hit a bunch of home runs. I STILL wouldn’t doubt that he did steroids and Mr Ibanez still hasn’t answered my open letter. If you take this single season’s stats, it’d be Ibanez. When you judge on a career and playoff history, you need to take Damon. If not for his stats, definitely for Michelle Damon.

Winner? Johnny Damon.

Center Field: Shane Victorino v Melky Cabrera.

This one is a lot easier and will get me in less trouble. I personally think Melky sucks.Victorino has some nice speed running the bases and batted .307. Melky has him beat in the power department and despite me hating him, Melky is a good defensive outfielder with a nice arm. I’m sticking with Shane even though I don’t trust Samoans.

Winner? Shane Victorino

Right Field: Jayson Werth v. Nick Swisher.

If we were judging who was a better person? Nick Swisher. Who has a hotter girlfriend? Nick Swisher. But if we are going to judge on who is a better player? Jayson Werth by a million fucking yards I happen to love Swisher and his antics. Actually, I would attribute a lot of the success the Yankees have to him and AJ Burnett for showing guys like A-Rod, Jeter and Posada that you CAN have fun and play baseball. However, Jayson Werth is having a phenomenal playoffs after having a shitty season.

Winner? Jayson Werth.

3rd Base: Pedro Feliz v. Alex Rodriguez.

This is going to be the easiest match up of the night. Alex Rodriguez is the best baseball player in the major leagues today. FACT. He is a team player who has been trying desperately to win. Everything that he has done in the past was geared towards winning a World Series and now, he’s finally here. Whether it was about the steroids, the karate chopping, the yelling at infielders trying to make pop flies, pitch tipping, etc. It’s all been about trying to make himself super human in the eyes of the fans because he wants to be the best ever. Now, after his divorce and steroid scandal, he hit rock bottom. Then he found a girl with millions of dollars of her own (read as: Not a Money Grubbing Whore) and she is gorgeous with famous parents. He can finally be at ease and lead us to the promised land. (END SUCKFEST)

Winner? To be honest, I didn’t even know who the Phillies 3rd baseman was. I had to ask Gimp.

Shortstop: Jimmy Rollins v. Derek Jeter

Now this is the hardest matchup of the night. Rollins did slump this year while Jeter had an MVP caliber season. Rollins looks like he is the future best SS in the game but Derek Jeter is the current best shortstop. The problem coming into the season was if Jeter still had “it” on the defensive side of the ball. Well, Mark Teixiera negates that. In this one, the WAGs almost cancel each other out! (Johari Smith here you can facebook creep her!) When asked for comment an unknown Philly blogger may or may not have said the following “Yeah, the Yankees will only win if Eric Bruntlett plays! He stinks! I hope he gets fired! So I made a website! It’s called FIRE ERIC BRUNTLETT! HAHAHA! How clever of me?!? Did I mention we photoshop beards on babies????”

And That They Do...

Winner? Jeter, I’ll take his bat any day.

2nd Base: Chase Utley v. Robinson Cano

Chase Utley IS baseball. He is arguably the only thing worth liking that came out of Philadelphia since the cheesesteak. Seriously. Philadelphia sucks. It’s a shithole. I’ve been there. I played at Lincoln Financial Field for the 2006 DII Men’s Lacrosse National Championship (/brag) and it sucked because the town smells like vomit and skunk piss. Well, I guess Rocky was okay too.

Winner? Chase Utley.

1st Base: Ryan Howard v. Mark Teixiera.

Actually, this might be one of the hardest matchups. It wouldn’t be if Tex would hit the ball like everyone knows he can. I’m not sure how Howard is on the defensive side of the ball but Tex is a Gold Glover for sure. Not to mention that Tex is in the conversation for MVP as well. On the other hand, Howard has “been there and done that” while Sexy Texy is slumping ever since the playoffs started.

Winner? Howard until Tex gets his swagger back.

Catcher: Carlos Ruiz v. Jorge Posada

This one is pretty simple. Ruiz is nothing special. I thought better of the Phillies. They have this weak of a catcher? Posada is one of the best offensive catchers in the league. His defense hinders him a slight bit but he is a Hall of Famer if he keeps these numbers up for 2-3 more seasons. He also knows how to call a game, pitching-wise even though AJ Burnett doesn’t like it and cries and then gives up 20 runs. And of course WAG factor

Winner? Posada by a landslide.

Starting Pitching:

Cliff Lee, Cole Hamels, Pedro Martinez, Joe Blanton, JA Happ v. CC Sabathia, AJ Burnett, Andy Pettite, Chad Gaudin, Joba Chamberlain.

This is a lot easier than it looks. And it’s for one reason: Depth. The Phillies beat the hell out of the Yanks with depth. Cliff Lee and CC Sabathia are the reigning Cy Young Winners for the AL in the last 2 years (Cleveland Indians got a case of the frownies) are basically a wash. The game 2 starter for the Phillies is Pedro Martinez (whom the Yankees can destroy if they want but also pitched very well v. LA) v. a very shaky Burnett. Then I imagine the Phillies give the ball to Hamels at home (last year’s WS MVP) and the Yanks give the ball to a very old (yet clutch) Pettite. And this is where it gets crazy. The Yankees want to pitch CC for Games 1, 4 and 7 which can get a little out of control even if he is 6’8”, 290 lbs. The Phillies have the option with going to a very good Blanton or a promising rookie Happy if need be (he earned that nickname because I had him in Fantasy Baseball. Though, I couldn’t tell you why). The Yankees are basically going to rotate their top 3 pitchers on 3 days rest for the entire series, as everyone such as Michael Kay predicts.

Winner? Phillies

Bullpen:Phillies v. Yankees

This isn’t that close of a match up. IMO, the Yankees blow the Phillies out of the water. Even though Girardi tears through relievers like Berstreet tears through toilet paper on taco night. I need to give the edge to the Yankees on the Mariano Rivera factor. Or as Justin Tuck calls him, Mister. Brad Lidge isn’t what he was last year and River is who we thought he was.

Winner? Yankees

Manager: Charlie Manuel v. Joe Girardi

I’m not going to lie, I haven’t watched enough Phillies games to know if Manuel is great. But I have watched almost every Yankees game this season and I know Girardi is bad. He misuses the bullpen in awkward situations. For example, when he had a lefty pitching to Chone Figgins and then the inning ended and then he brought in another lefty to pitch to Bobby Abreu. Or when he took out Robertson after a 17 pitch stint in which the electric youngster did amazing. He also keeps letting Phil Hughes doody himself everytime he gets to the mound. On the offensive side, he brought up Guzman instead of Hinske and then when Swisher choked cock he had no replacement (bases loaded 2 outs in the 9th for Swisher, rings a bell). Oh, and he is fucking with Joba’s brain. And More!

Winner? Phillies

So that’s that. My “non-biased” position break down of the World Series. I’m sure someone won’t sense the sarcasm of “unbiased” and have something to say, sooner or later. But my prediction? Yankees in 6. Now, I need to go check fantasy football stats for 3 hours to wash these bases and balls from my mouth and hands.