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The Roast of Brett Favre

October 12, 2009

Relax, he's not really dead. Not for a lack of hopeful thinking though.

Relax, he's not really dead. Not for a lack of hopeful thinking though.

Logic: Hello, I’m Logic and I’ll be your Roastmaster General tonight. I welcome you all, and for those of you that don’t know, this is the Brett Favre Roast. Or Roast of Brett Favre. Whatever. It’s more like a cremation, anyway. You old bastard. If you try to take a dive and give one of the Giants a sack record this year, Osi Umenyiora might re-injure his leg on your walker. Do you think it’s weird that you could be Josh McDaniel’s daddy? It must have been weird with Eric Mangini last year, huh? So that means you were basically Rommel? Man, going to the Jets was such a bad career move. The last time I saw someone ruin their legacy that fast an 11 year-old ripped off Michael Jackson’s nose in self-defense. What the hell were you thinking? You have this amazing streak of playing all these games through injury, but people don’t realize that you were bad in half of those games. Yeah. Congrats on having one good season, Brett. No, I don’t want to hear it. You won one Super Bowl. You’re like a Trent Dilfer that couldn’t take the hint.

[camera shoots to Trent Dilfer chuckling like a bald idiot.]

Logic: We have an excellent celebrity athlete panel here who are all paid well. Mostly because Brett Favre’s been buying Wranglers his whole life so he has a bank account that Charles Barkley would dream to be in Vegas with. Do you even own a pair of those jeans? You cheap fuck. Well, since me, Gimp and Gally are all white guys we had to even it out with Michael Strahan over there for the black appeal. I mean, I am black but only below the waist. Isn’t that right, Erin Andrews? Glad to see you dressed up tonight.

"I Borrowed This From Heather Graham!"
“I Borrowed This From Heather Graham!”

As everyone knows, I’m a huge New York Giants fan. They are a very good team. However, they don’t have any good WRs this year. This is the biggest gap I’ve seen on the team since this guy used to play…Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Michael Strahan.

Michael Strahan: Thank you Logic. I think I’ve given more money to my ex-wife than you’ve made in your life. I don’t know why you are trying to make fun of my teeth when yours are clearly falling out from getting beaten up by Sports Bloggers and Crystal Meth. Man, you really try to be offensive. That’s like saying Mel Gibson is trying to be Jewish – ain’t going to happen, Chief. Speaking of the Chiefs, does anyone have an eye on Larry Johnson? He could be strong armin’ a hoe as we speak. I bet Shawne Merriman is teaching him good and right how to not do drugs and not hit your women. I’m really glad that no one is giving Max Gallner a microphone. He just isn’t funny. No. There’s no joke there. He’s just not fucking funny. You want to know funny? Brett Favre pretending to cry every season and retire then throwing a dart at a map and picking a city to play in. That’s funny. How the hell do you end up in Minnesota, Brett? I know I would’ve rather chosen death than ending up in Minnesota. Mostly because of the smell of the fans. But secondly because of the football rivalry! Is nothing sacred? First, we find out you’re poppin’ oxycontins like they’re vicodin and now this! One thing I was always jealous of that you had was your relationship with John Madden. I always wondered how did his dick taste, and I knew I should ask you that. But Brett, I love ya. You helped me when I needed it and I won’t ever forget that. Congrats on another season in the NFL. I’ll be back to analyze you after you decide to retire next year. And then your come back the next year when you’re in Kansas City,where quarterbacks go to die.

[Michael and Brett share a hetero-hug, and Michael heads to his seat. Logic comes back up.]

Logic: Our next roaster is an associate editor for our blog. No one has ever seen his face we presume he looks like this:

"Hi. I'm Gimp."
“Hi. I’m Gimp.”

Logic: Gimp likes UFC, and it’s too bad he cant fight or even pick the fights. He’s what we call a “foppish dandy”. He’s from Florida, which means that he has no fun football to watch. South Florida can’t be good this year. They just can’t. We consider Gimp the Happy Gilmore of blogging. Which is like saying, “we consider you marginally good once in a while amongst other creepy pedophile-like men wearing stained grey sweatpants with marinara sauce stains on them, but we didn’t eat lasagna last night, hmmmm.” I’d rather get a 7th place medal than be one of those.

Gimp: Let’s give it up for Logic, folks. [Crowd applauds.] Glad he was able to take some time off from drinking and banging fat chicks to set this whole thing up. I wouldn’t say Logic is a scumbag or anything, but he once convinced a girl to have sex with him by telling her he had only months to live. Poor girl. She died of AIDS 10 months later.

[Camera pans over to Magic Johnson, who is chuckling and gives two thumbs up.]

Gally, as you may or may not know, is Canadian. Contrary to popular belief, Hockey is not his favorite sport, he doesn’t start out each morning with a plate of Canadian bacon and maple syrup, and he has actually had sex before. With a woman. It was paid for, but prostitution is totally legal in Canadia so it’s okay.

Michael Strahan is here. Hey Michael, remember that time you captured the single season sack record when Brett Favre willingly slid to the ground? That was awesome. And by awesome I mean you guys probably blew each other after the game. I haven’t seen a white person drop down in front a black man that quick since Tiger Woods met his wife.

[Camera shows Tiger Woods, who flashes a fake smile, followed by him flicking off the camera.]

But let’s get to the man of the hour. Mr. Brett fucking Favre. Crowd Applauds. Brett, as you know, not only owns the record for most TDs by a QB, but also the record for most interceptions. He also owns the record for most retirements, and will probably break his own record in another 4-6 months. Brett has shown that crying is no longer reserved for women and gays anymore, as he has set the record for most tear-filled interviews by any man in the NFL. He is an inspiration to white football players everywhere. Showing them that practice and learning a playbook is overrated when you have a strong arm and a dresser filled with Wranglers. He is a legend, and if this were horse racing he would have been put out to stud by now…Or made in to glue. He is Brett Favre.

[Brett comes over and gives a hug. Gimp cup-checks him.]

Logic: That was almost homoerotic. And I’m not complaining. One of our final roasters is a half-breed superhuman. No, not who you’re thinking. Derek Jeter was busy. And after seeing your interview with Gally, we even reached out to Jared Allen’s mullet first. Also busy. Then we called Dave Chappelle to do his impersonation of you, because that was funnier than the real you. Fucking busy. So we wind up with the real, boring Tiger Woods. Hey Tiger, I think I’d be good at a sport against a bunch of old men, too. I’ll start up bingo and beat up on a bunch of guys twice my age. Actually, I bet there’s more athletic prowess in bingo than golf. Ladies and gentlemen, Tiger Woods.

[Tiger shoots Logic a death stare and then gets up and walks by him colliding shoulders with Logic. Logic looks like he is about to cry.]

Tiger Woods: So Logic. You think you’re better than me or something? I’ll have you know I take draught beer and Chipotle dumps that are more attractive than the women you hook up with. Speaking of which, how’s the erectile dysfunction treating you? Did you know that in the tranny circles on Long Island that Logic is known as the the Gangster of Love? True story: when he makes love it’s a hold up and not a stick up. [The camera pans out to see Shaq falling out of his chair.] You know what Logic, you are good for something. Your mother. I’m ecstatic that she still posts videos of herself dancing topless to shitty music on the internet. It gives me a little material for the old spank bank. Tell her I said hello. I forgot to say goodbye when I was over last night doing the Sandusky Brick Shithouse with her. [Camera pans to Berstreet who’s visibly angry and getting up to leave.] Don’t worry Berstreet, it was after I left your place. That dump I took on your chest was my Grade A prime stuff; I gave Logic’s Mom the leftovers. [Berstreet blushes and sits back down.]

Micheal Strahan is up in this motherfucker! What-What! So he’s decided he’s not man enough to be an athlete anymore. What’s wrong, Muffin? Wife take your balls in the divorce also? [Larry King is seen shaking his head knowingly.] Well it seems he’s going to be a big time actor. Isn’t that cute. Must be hard to read stuff that other people have written down for you. Apparently it is. Have you seen his new TV show? Brothers? I haven’t seen acting so wooden since Trolls 2. Even Britty boy over there is a better actor, and we knew he took that fucking dive. Record-holder, my ass. [Michael fakes a smile. The camera scans the audience and settles on Justin Timberlake and Seth Rogen laughing uncontrollably.]

Gimp, Gimp, Gimp. Where to start with you. I haven’t seen such a fat bitch since Roseanne was still on the air. You don’t do that picture up above any justice. You’d have to lose 80 pounds, put on 4lbs of zit cream and get a haircut to look as pathetic as that turd. No wonder you wear a leather mask all the time. If I looked like you, the only mask I’d be wearing is a plastic bag, with it tied firmly around my neck. You’re damn right my wife went down on me as soon as she saw me. Look at this [flexes muscles, kisses biceps]. Faggot.

Gally. You are a complete and utter piece of useless shit. I haven’t seen such a gaping vagina since Jenna Jameson retired from the porn business [Tito Ortiz smiles, shakes his head and when Jenna looks over stands up and looks angry. Security escorts him out of the building.] If you had any more sand in your vagina, you could start a god damn pearl factory. The out put of that thing would be so great, that it would be the world’s third largest economy. Not only do you have a giant vagina, but you’re a fucking pussy. I read the interview that we did. What Gally didn’t recap in the print version was that he both pissed and shit his pants. When I started asking him for my cocaine, he passed out and fell in the pile of piss and shit that was on the floor. I woke him up by slapping him with my giant Shiancock, and he sat in that disgusting mess while the interview continued. Fucking Pussy.

Brett Favre. I don’t even know where to begin with your fucking monkey ass. [Tracy Morgan jumps up on his seat and yells, ” OH NOES HE DIDN’T. THAT’S MY MOTHERFUCKING DAWG, YO! YOU SHOW THAT CRACKER BITCH!”] That’s right Tracy, Respect! Anyways, the last time I saw such waffling was at the Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles. Your story has so many holes in it, it looks like Norv Turner’s face. [Ladanian looks around upset, as if his poor wittle feewings have been hurt.] You know what, Brett? Only steers and queers wear Wranglers, and I ain’t seen no fucking steers in those commercials. You know what that means, right bitch? You a motherfucking queer-bot. I could buy you, Brett Favre. Not like those fucking Wrangler mother fuckers, but like 1700’s slave ship mother fuckers. Yeah that’s right, I went reverse racist on you and what the fuck are you going to do about it? That’s right, nothing. You know what, though, guys? Brett’s played through some tough situations. The night after his Dad had a heart attack, he went out and led his team to a gritty win, where he threw for over 400 yards. Know why his Dad died? Cause he couldn’t take all o’ my dick in his ass.

[Throws mic to the ground, the audience sits there stunned. He walks over to Brett and fakes punching him, before going in for an awkward hug. He then pushes Logic back in his chair and storms back to his seat, where he promptly punches Gally right in the dick.]

Logic: Alright, that was weird. Who knew that this mutt could be so mean? And last up, our Chief Editor for the Gally Blog, Gally himself. He’s from Canada where there is no NFL, just the bastard son of the NFL; or as it’s commonly referred to: the CFL. It’s like boarding school – we just send our rejects like Ricky Williams and Pacman Jones over there. Well, I guess it’s revenge for giving us Tom Green and Nickelback. Those silly Canucks and their stupid celebrities can’t do anything right. It’s not his fault he’s a Canadian. He prefers having beavers as pets to munching them, and cornflakes with maple syrup. He is the Nagasaki to Gimp’s Hiroshima… Please welcome, Gally. Also, Gally claims himself a Green Bay Packers fan so we might want to call Security to the stage. Thank you.

Gally: [Waddles to the mike holding his sack, starts speaking in a voice that is higher than it normally is.] Good evening, folks. It’s a pleasure to be here included in the roast of this great man. Let me start off by taking on Logic. Not that this should be hard, Logic takes on more dick than Freddy Mercury would have if he was part of an orgy with the Village People and David Bowie. Pursuant to Megan’s Law, I believe that we are required to inform you that Logic is a pedophile. I’d tell Ali Lohan to watch out, but she’s not a virgin and doesn’t look enough like a Thai Lady Boy. Hell, even Bob Saget wouldn’t touch that and he’s been in more minors than John Wayne Gacy and Jeffery Dahmer combined. [John Stamos stands up and claps.] Logic is so gay for Brady Quinn, he was the guy outside the gay bar, that Quinn called out for being a homo.

Michael Strahan, everybody…What can I say about him that hasn’t already been said? A tooth gap big enough to take Tigers dick? Check. Wife took the balls in a divorce? Check. Brett Favre acted circles around him? Check. How about the fact that he’s on Eddie Murphy’s sloppy seconds…nope, open season. So Michael, are you really that tight on money that you couldn’t find yourself something better? I mean, you must have a million or two tucked away somewhere. Between that and being a hero to Giants fans, you could have found something better than a Tranny-lover’s sloppy seconds. Hell, I’d let Logic suck my dick before I went in that direction. You do realize that she already took one guy for all his money, I hope she does it to you, you slimy, wet, vaginal discharge

Gimp. Gimp is expecting a small child. No he is, everyone give him a hand. I think I probably should have said “hand-out” there. Seriously, he’s going to need it. Gimp is such a degenerate gambler that he’s going to be living in a van down by the river, sucking dick for whiskey. When Gimp was growing up, his parents thought he had a second belly button. When they took him to the Doctor, they received the shock of a lifetime. It turns out that he has an “innie” for a penis. [Camera pans to Adrian Grenier. He clearly doesn’t get it. Jeremy Piven leans over and explains it to him, and he cracks up.] It’s sad, but true. At least he lives in Florida. It is kind of odd that he chose to live in Florida, though. Being that much of a fat tank ass, he must break a sweat trying to bend over and tie up his shoes.

Tiger Woods, everybody. So did you hear the news? Apparently this fucker is a billionaire, and he still can’t find a good cocaine connection. Did you know Tiger Woods is the whitest black man on the face of the Earth? He’s living the white man’s dream. He’s rich, plays golf, has country club memberships, and a hot white wife. [Tracy Morgan stands up and yells, “OH NOES, OH HELLS NO. YOU DO NOT TALK TO TIGER WOODS LIKE THAT, CRACKER.] Oh, hi Tracy. Didn’t notice you here at all. Not one bit. Tracy Morgan is about as subtle as Gimp going to a sex anonymous meeting to pick up easy chicks. Tiger Woods once went to a new country club in Georgia to try and do a round of golf. When he walked in, everyone looked at him like he had a sign that said “Free AIDS”. He walks up to the proshop and asks what it costs to play a round of golf. The guy behind the desk says, “We don’t let your kind in around here. Not unless you want to be the bathroom attendant or sumtin.” Tiger says that he’s not interested in that, he just wants to golf. The guy says, “Well if y’all head down that there road about a 3 woods distance away, there’s a golf course that takes your kind.” Tiger looks at him shocked, and says, “Do y’all know who I am. I’m Tiger Woods mother fucker.” The guy behind the desk, turns his head and spits. Looks Tiger right in the eye, and says, “Oh, well in that case, I guess it’s about a 5 iron down the road. And I don’t care who you are darkie, we still don’t take your kind here mother fucker.”

And now on to the man of the hour, Brett Fucking Favre. Dear Brett, retire already and stay retired. What’s next on your schedule? Signing on as a backup in Pittsburgh or Indianapolis so that you can get another ring? You cry more than a menstruating woman at the sight of a puppy dying in a wood chipper. The only time Football and crying go in the same sentence is when watching Brian’s Song. Brett Favre is such a waste of skin, that burn victims wouldn’t accept his donation for a skin graft. [Travis Barker nods in agreement.] Brett Favre’s momma is so fat, her blood type is Ragu. Brett Favre once ate an entire wheel of cheese, the only thing was it was one of those tiny little samples of gay French cheese. It was neither impressive, nor pleasing to the Wisconsinites. Brett Favre is so gay with Peter King, he makes Peyton Manning and Kenny Chesney look like long lost enemies. Brett Favre was addicted to pain killers, and then he gave them up. Fucking quitter, why couldn’t you apply that mental process to football? Die in a fire, Favre. Thanks. [Gally throws the microphone to the ground, makes a gang sign and yells, “BOOM! ROASTED! He then walks over to Favre and they do the Favre, sideways touchdown bump and Gally sits back down.]

Logic: And the main event has taken many sacks. Not only on the football field, but in his mouth. He’s a human teabag and this is the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Ladies and gentlemen, the man of the hour, future Hall of Famer and current Giant Douche Bag, Brett Favre!

Brett Favre: Alright. Damn. You guys got me. I guess it’s time for my rebuttal, huh? I don’t feel like starting it. Well I guess I will. But only if I can skip the intro.

[Crowd laughs, and the NY Post found a quote]

First of all, I’d love for you guys to give a nice round of applause for our Roast Master, Logic. Secondly, I would like you to take a deep long look into his eyes. For now you have seen what makes a demon work. Logic scares me sometimes; he hallucinates and doesn’t know what he’s talking about, and other times it seems as if he wants to start playing “Race Wars!” If you don’t know, that means he wants to kill people of a different race. Yeah, Logic is sick. I wouldn’t let him near any schoolyard or ice cream parlor in my state.

Then there was Michael Strahan. Were you the one that likes to shit on women? I think the only thing I’d rather not do than hear you talk is hear you talk on TV. You ugly sumbitch. Who gave you a television gig? You know, you’d probably be fired once I actually do retire. They have to make room for the real stars!

Who else did you have roast me? Not much talent there. I had more talent in my bicep in week 16 of the 2008 season than Gimp. Logic tells me you like to bet the unders and overs on football games. The weird thing is that he and I set an under/over on how many funny jokes you had tonight. The under hit hard. Gimp also has an avatar of a person getting sexually dominated. It’s ironic because he’s a virgin. He hasn’t seen pussy since birth. One thing that is supposedly true, is that Logic dominates him in Madden twice a week.

Man, I can’t believe you were able to grab Tiger Woods away from his endless training for the off-season *fartnoise*. Hey thanks for coming out, Tigger. I guess nothing belittles the amount of cash you have or how famous you are until you are standing next to Tiger. I guess I’ll just have to live with the fact that I’m a Hall of Famer in a man’s sport while he plays one of the lone sports you can actually drink and play. Trust me, you can. I go golfing with Kerry Collins. Yeah well, that and the fact that I play a sport that makes me go against guys twice my size and I’m the oldest in the game, yet I still don’t miss a game. Meanwhile a leg injury will sideline Tiger Woods in a sport where the fastest pace is “brisk power-walk”. Don’t make me puke, you halfie jerkoff.

Lastly we had Gally. The editor of The Gally Blog. That’s like being the President of the No Pussy Club. I get made fun of for being a Good Ol’ Boy a lot, but damn man. You’re from Canada. That accent is worse than being in the movie Fargo. I really have to thank him for letting me come out here and get roasted by all these no-name nothings. It’s been an experience. I guess it’s going to make a victory over the Packers at Lambeau that much sweeter when I hand my balls to Purple Jesus.

Logic: Well that’s the end of that! Thanks for coming out. Hope you enjoyed our Roast of Brett Favre. Now he needs to go rest up and think about who he is going to blame his first loss on. Most likely Percy Harvin smoking a blunt. Good Night!


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