Fantasy Football Update

I was trying to get involved with the influx of commentakke over at KSK, but it is busier than normal with Jim Zorn’s job on the line. It’s been said that he was just feeding pigeons on the sideline and using his headset to make sure his direct deposit went through.

A quick update on my money league fantasy team; it didn’t get fucked over by a top performer as much as it got fucked over by BYE weeks and the Bellichick RB committee carries to the wrong guy. Who’d have thunk that Kevin Faulk would get 3 touches after the 2 of the top 5 RBs are down? I’m glad I didn’t give my fantasy advice for the week, because I would have gotten you 5 points.

Anywho, my team in this league got beaten by itself. My top performer was a QB who threw for 5 TDs and 0 INTs and somehow managed only 29 points and Minnesota’s defense got me 0 points for the second time this year. Well, here we go…

Top Performers:

QB: Carson Palmer- Owned by Logic. 233 yards and 5 TDs only grabs you 29 points which kind of sucks. TDs are 4 and 25 yards per point. This is a RB heavy league and I missed the draft, so fuck me, right?

QB: Tony Romo- Owned by Flubby and the Tequilla Mockingbirds (the most clever name in our league, IMO. How’d you miss this, Gimp?). Flubby got hit with the BYE hard this week but Romo got him 311 yards and 3 TDs in the air and 31 yards on the ground.

WR: Miles Austin- Owned by Punter and Brandon. This guy has gotten 16 catches for 421 yards and 2 TDs in his first 2 starts. I guess he’s a “must-start”, huh?

WR: dEsEAN jACKSON- Owned by the good doctor. 124 total yards and 2 TDs and 28 return yards, Jackson is having a solid day with 26 minutes left in MNF.

WR: Chad “Lost My” Johnson- Owned by Flubby. 118 yards and 2 TDs from the Carson Palmer. Ochocinco is having a Pro Bowl year for the unlikely Bungals.

RB: Ryan Grant- Owned by Adam (Shiancock). 150+ yards and 1 TD made Ryan Grant one of the week’s top earners v. Eric Mangini and his SS Browns. In related news, Brown is the color of shit. And the Browns are shitty. You really can’t get analysis like this anywhere else. Haha. Anal.

RB: Ricky Williams- Owned by Bucholtz. 92 totals yards and 3 TDs in the explosive game against those Saints. Only earned A/b 27 points but still a very good day.

RB: Cedric Benson- Owned by Rob. 189 yards and 1 TD in the blow out of his old team in Midtown. You think there were hard feelings? I’m starting to think that grudge matches are a great strategy (i.e. Shockey v. Giants and Ricky Williams v. Saints…seems to be a theme).

RB: Shonn Green- Free Agent. 144 yards and 2 TDs in his breakout performance. I’m just mad at the fact that in my money league, I have 3 Jets fans and 2 guys who need a RB ahead of me in the Waiver wire. God damn you, Eddie Royal! Why did you look so attractive last week?

TE: Vernon Davis- Owned by Logic. 90+ yards and 3 TDs after the QB change in San Francisco. Who knows, maybe he won’t be a bust?

Bad Starts:

Rob Bironas, Brandon Marshall and Mark Clayton- James Brown* was all excited about this league when it first started. Then going 1-5 made him “not care” and now he’s starting people with BYEs to have an excuse when he finishes dead last in our league. Yeah, even behind Gimp and Max and they are about as dumb as ether addicts.

RB: Glen Coffee- Gimp. I don’t know if he got the memo, but Frank Gore is back.

WR: Pierre Garcon and Hines Ward- Gally. Combined for 2.70 points.

Bad Sits:

WR- Patrick Crayton from Shiancocky. Had 97 yards and 2 TDs in the romp of the dirty birds. Tony Romo almost looked…good. Except for his post-game hat. That was gay as AIDs.

WR: Hakeem Nicks- Owned by Dok. Dok can’t predict injuries (to Andre Johnson), but Nicks who has had a loooong TD reception in the last 4 games should have been looked at for the flex. But again, Hester out earned Nicks by .10. I can’t blame Dok for the moves, but I’m just sayin’ it’s something to look at, you know?

TE: Jeremy Shockey- My favorite player outside of New York is owned by Gimp who sits him for Heath Miller? C’mon you fuckin’ fuck. Even Baby Logic knows Shockey has a better offense (and QB) than Heath Miller. Not to mention that Miami has been terrible against TEs all year.

Word

Good Starts:

RB: Ricky Williams- Bucholtz. He benefited from MJD having a BYE week, but a good start nonetheless.

Good Sits:

Felix Jones- Xmas Ape. I really just wanted to fill this section out. Ape sat Jones who has been riddled with injuries and all he contributed to the game with a fumble.
Pick Up of the Week?

If you didn’t know… It’s fucking Shonn Green. Duh. 144 yards and 2 TDs after Leon Washington broke his fibula and could be out for his career. I wonder if he’s regretting the fact he went to FSU and got that “solid education”?

Also, in our league… The return men seem to be dominating the point scoring. So if you have a return man who is involved in their offense like DeSean Jackson, Eddie Royal or Percy Harvin…turn them to a “must-start” if your scoring is similar to ours.

When asked for comment on the fantasy football week, my druggy friend Nick said: “Whatever man. I’m hallucinating. I need to leave so I can watch Barry Bonds beat the Seahawks.”

But seriously, folks…poop and drug jokes aside, I hope fantasy football gets outlawed from the United States, because I’m sick of being wrong. The only person giving worse advice than me is Big Troph, (thanks for the TO/Addai trade advice. I was lucky to turn TO into Shockey for crying out loud). Well, if you pretend that he messed you up you can get a free logo, according to his twitter.

/rubs hands together

Revenge is mine!

*Okay, for obviously giving up on our league, now you get ripped…Well, James Brown, that’s what you get for drafting like its 2007… LaDanian Tomlinson, Clinton Portis, Roy Williams, Jay Cutler AND Willis McGahee? C’mon. You’re better than that…