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Sports Bloggers Derpity Derp Tweedle Dee Derp

October 13, 2009

Funny... AND TRUE!!

Funny... AND TRUE!!

Like always, my fantasy league that is for money has to get hit by an unstoppable force. (See: Week 1 Drew Brees or Week 4 Rashard Mendenhall), this week it was Michael Turner for 3 TDs, not to mention a Calvin Johnson injury and an Aaron Rodgers BYE. But here is the Sports Bloggers Fantasy Breakdown of Week 5. I decided to get all in-depth on your monkey asses because we’re almost a 1/3 of the season in.

First on the list, records!

1st Place and our last UNDEFEATED team(5-0, 445 points): FLUBBY

T-2nd Place at (4-1, 521 points… our point leader) our Editor in Queef, Gally

T-2nd Place at (4-1, 467 points), Andrew “Clay” Bucholtz. /badnickname

T-2nd Place at (4-1, 455 points). Yours Truly. Logic. (taking new team name suggestions)

T-5th Place at (3-2, 498 points) Punter and Brandon with the truly Unmotivated Leathers

T-5th Place at (3-2, 461 points) the last 1/3 of KSK, Xmas Ape

7th Place, the last 1/3 of The Gally Bloggers, el Gimpó at (2-3, 444 points…all of which came last week)

T-8th Place after the recent beat down I gave, Doktakra and the Sac-Town Kings at (1-4, 399 points)

T-8th Place, the (highly disputed) winner of Gimp’s Best Name contest, Shiancock at (1-4, 391 points)

T-8th Place, one who can really be taught how the male body works, Vick’s Dead Eagles or Max Gallner. (yeah, he’s fucking 16) at (1-4, 373 points)

T-8th Place, the one who must really hate Kurt Warner, Favarro Must Die (1-4, 372 points) as well.

T-8th Place but really in LAST PLACE due to the “point scoring” tie breaker, James Brown at (1-4 301 points)

Top Performers:

QB: Peyton  Manning had his 5th consecutive 300 yard passing game. 309 yards and 3 TDs for Gimponit.

QB: Donovon McNabb had 330 yards with 3 TDs through the air and 30 yards on the ground which would rack up to be a silly 25 points in our league. It’s a shame QB performances get hindered by league rules. Ok, I’m over it.

WR: Miles Austin. If you didn’t know he’s on the DALLAS COWBOYS because honestly, I didn’t fucking know who he was until this week (Editor’s Note: Blatant Lie). Austin had 250 yards (a Dallas Cowboys record) and 2 TDs.

WR: Andre Johnson for Doktara had 102 yards and 2 TDs for Doktakra.

WR: Roddy White: 210 yards and 2 TDs in Atlanta’s offensive onslaught of the 49ers.

RB: Michael Turner had 97 yards and 3 TDs. Guess who has him? Los Logicos. I was so conflicted this week but more mad that it went against me in the money league because, you know, it’s for money.

(No Tight Ends Cracked 11 Points and Won’t Be Talked About)

DEFENSE of the WEEK-

Minnesota- 1o points allowed. 2 sacks, 1 INT, 3 Fumble Recoveries and a touchdown.

A new segment where I will go into a defense that did phenomenal and punch its guts around to see what comes out the asshole. Oh look! (punches around) It’s a mullet! I must have ripped it off of their best player, Jared Allen who scored a TD for the Vikings in week 6. This year, Jared has 20 tackles (16 solo), 6.5 sacks (1+ a game), 3 Forced Fumbles and the first Touchdown of his career off of a Fumble Recovery.

I think if there was a MVP vote right now and Jared Allen wasn’t 1st in the voting… Then he’d better be 2nd or me and you can’t be friends.

Now for the weekly, Good/Bad Sit/Starts.

Good Starts:

Miles Austin- Punter and Brandon must have tied some sort of mage (or black magic clown) to a chair in their basement to have started this 43… I repeat… 43 points.

Brian Westbrook- Normally I don’t commend “no-brainers” as Good Starts but in this case, I could only imagine feeling the stress a Westbrook owner feels. Favarro Must Die lucked out with a TD and 35 total yards

Nate Burelson- Had 98 yards and 2 TDs for the Flubsters.

Bad Starts:

Jericho Cotchery. Yes. That’s right. I’m blaming people for not predicting injuries. It’s your fault, Shiancock! You should have known Cotchery would get you 0.40 points! Should have went with Mario Manningham anyway, better QB and offensive production v. a worse opponent.

John Carney/Green Bay- Ok, Shiancock. This one’s really on you. Not starting a defense or a kicker? Look’s like you either gave up, stopped caring or didn’t check. Or all 3. I don’t care. That’s your prerogative but we all decided before the season that we’re giving AIDs to the last place team. And by “we all”, I mean “Los Logicos” And by “before the season”, I mean “just right now”

Antonio Gates- BYE Week. My guess is Punter and Brandon didn’t feel like picking up a TE and dropping a player. Touche, Guys (bad quality). But the AIDs stuff affects you as well.

DeSean Jackson- Doktakra already admitted that this was the downfall of his team. I agree. But I can’t fault him. DeSean Jackson has been a “must start” all season.

Mike Sims-Walker- Looked like he didn’t play for Bucholtz due to being de-activated. Sucks for Clay because even if he switched Cribbs to WR and Cooley to the Flex, it wouldn’t have gotten him anymore points.

Calvin Johns0n- Ok, now I know why Megatron  is hurt. It’s the 1 player that Max and I shared from this league and my money league. And Max’s spite went on to Megatron’s right calf and now I have no 2nd round pick. Man, I need to learn voodoo.

Jay Cutler/LaDanian Tomlinson/Greg Olson- All 3 had BYES and James Brown is not making me happy with that. He obviously gave up on us with this one. He had the opportunity to start Kyle Orton on his best game as a pro. And he benched Clinton Portis’ 2 TDs. Hell even John Carlson had 30 yards for 3 points. What’s the point of having back up tight ends and quarterbacks if you are just going to eat the bye week anyway?

Bad Sits:

RB- Tashard Choice- I had a choice alright. I put in Marion Barber and he got me 5.30 points. The right choice would have gotten me 92 yards and 1 TD for 15.20 points.

RB- Ricky Williams- Bucholtz had an under-performer in at RB, but that person is Mojo and you can’t not start Mojo. The thing is, Ricky would have gotten Clay 138 total yards for 13.80 points.

RB- Cedric Benson- This will be on anyone’s board. Benson was sat in my other league as well. Fuck, he went against the Ravens. I wouldn’t have started him either. But he did pop off for 136 total yards and 1 TD, so maybe continue to start the Bengals workhorse. They are at 4-1 and Benson is putting up Prop-Bowl Numbers right now.

WR- Wes Welker- This would seem like a “must start” each week of the season, seeing he is Brady’s security blanket and led the league in receptions the last 2 years. 86 yards and 1 TD on Christmas Apes’ bench. Most likely playing the match up with Berrian v. St Louis.

Pick Up of the Week.

It’s obviously Miles Austin- WR- Dallas Cowboys. However in leagues like this one and the one I do for money, Austin was gone. In both leagues. So my pick up of the week is: Michael Crabtree- WR San Francisco 49ers. He just signed and this is the BYE week so the people who passed on him, most likely already did. So you can grab him and hope for an upside in two weeks. Or not. Sorry, I forgot you have a bench of the Gods.

But in both the leagues I have been talking about, I’ve seen Braylon Edwards and Eddie Royal hit the waiver wire. These are players that must be on teams. Especially Edwards. So grab them first.

And that’s the end of that. I hope you actually enjoy the ones that I put time and effort into or else I’ll get angry and You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. (waiter brings over medium well cheeseburger not medium rare) You ungrateful sons of cunts! (rips of shirt) SOMEONE’S GETTIN THEIR DICKHOLE SMASHED! (checks schedule) FUCK YOU GALLY! CUM GUZZLING ANAL WHORE!!! (puts kimura on Waiter) NOW SAY UNCLE, BITCH!!

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One Comment leave one →
  1. October 15, 2009 12:05 am

    To be fair I did see at midweek that my D And Kicker were out, but I figured I’d wait till Sunday to switch them. Then I checked Sunday morning and noticed my other players were in the right spots, so I left em. DUMB ASS I take full blame for pulling a stupid move like that.

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