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Using Logic III

October 6, 2009

Once again, I’ve been emailed by a Logician with an important story that needs to be addressed. I was actually emailed last week, but I already did my Using Logic segment for the week at that time. Like I said, I’ll get around to everybody! Even you, Braylon Edwards. Remember, hands are for catching not throwing. As always, my email address is if you have any tips or submissions. Here’s the letter in its entirety:

Dear Logic,

Hello and thank you for fielding my letter. I can tell you are busy with douche bags who don’t enjoy your work, but I need help. I’m so distraught I don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve been complaining about having an extra toe all of my life and now I see this: 8 days ago it was reported on that a golfer who is missing a leg is going to tee off for the Champions Tour in 2010. I’ve never felt worse in my entire life. I’m complaining about having extra body parts that don’t affect my life and this guy is missing body parts that detract from his career.

But that is beside the point. For this man to play in this tournament, he is going to need some sort of help to stand and I think this will give him a distinct advantage over other players that are participating. Am I being insensitive for trying to keep sports on a level playing field? I’ve already sent a letter to Bud Selig saying that steroid users should be castrated. Please help!


Dear Metal Mouth,

First let me say that I am sorry you are a circus freak. I find it comical that you have six toes and want to throw peanuts and rotten fruit at your face. Secondly, I understand that you are upset. Well, not totally. Golf isn’t really a sport. It’s a “game”. Anything you can play while drinking is hardly a sport. And John Daly is good. I mean, come on. But I’m here to help, not disrespect the game that an amazing drink mogul created. Before I get into my reasoning, are you sure he isn’t a flamingo? I often get confused when seeing their legs. Ok, I was just asking. Sheesh.

As for your question, cyborgs should NOT be allowed in sports. Allow me to present exhibit A:

Flipper Man

Flipper Man

If you notice, “Flipper Man” (which is his God given name, no lies) is running so fast that the background is a blur. This tells me that his robot legs can bring him faster than the speed of light. Which is unfair to humans.

Now, for exhibit B:

The Robot Arm (Based on Star Wars). Imagine if a defensive lineman had that arm? An offensive tackle would never be able to block him. Imagine if it became sentient and started choking Aaron Rodgers to death!? It’d destroy my fantasy team. And that, sir, is wrong.

So in conclusion, Mr. Green will be a cyborg and they should not be allowed in sports. Just like the limbless MMA fighter and Flipper Man. It is unfair. How do you put a quadriplegic in an arm bar? Huh?!? This case is no different. He will be getting mechanical power off of his driving leg which should enable him to hit a ball about 2 miles – according to my calculations. Don’t even get me started on if his leg becomes self-aware, either. I could only imagine the Tasmanian devil-like atmosphere we’d have to deal with.

And this is all disregarding the fact that he might be a pirate. Captain Ken Greenbeard, they’d call him. Because if pirates had sentient limbs, I could only imagine all the raping and pillaging they would have done. You hear that? Amputees in sports cause rape. I hope that answers all your questions.

Unfaithfully Yours,


One Comment leave one →
  1. October 6, 2009 9:06 pm

    I call dibs on the top bunk when we’re sharing a room in hell.

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