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The Morning After Pill: Drunken Rambling Edition

October 6, 2009
by

The Morning After Pill is where we recount the previous days events in the sporting world. Certain sports/teams are left out due to extreme lack of caring or hangovers. Or potentially being held captive by the Escort’s bodyguard until our best friend shows up to pay for the hooker.

NFL: Things in Minnesota got a little sticky last night, as all of ESPN’s announcers were literally using their own spooge as lube to masterbate to Brett Favre playing against his former team, the Green Bay Packers. Think about that for a minute. It’s disgusting, and only the Japanese would watch something like that, and yet it happened. He who shall not be named, threw for around 268 yards(depending on your source) and three touch downs as the Vikings beat the Packers by a score of 30-23. Adrian Peterson was held mostly ineffective as he only gained 55 yards but had a TD. Aaron Rodgers threw for 382 yards an 2 TD’s, but it’s hard for your team to win when your QB spends as much time on his back as Jenna Jameson and Amy Reid combined. Jared Allen and his glorious mullet accounted for 4.5 of his teams 8 sacks of Rodgers. Last week Rodgers claimed that he needed less blockers for him to be successful, and now maybe next weeks game plan will be to have the Center being the only Lineman in front of him and everyone else on the field report as RB’s or eligible receivers. Michael Crabtree and his agent have reopened talks with the 49ers. His agent will be meeting with 49ers staff on Tuesday.

College Football: LSU fans are showing the class and dignity of Miami fans these days. The phone numbers of Urban Meyer and several prominent Gator players have somehow made their way into Louisiana, and the fans have been texting them and leaving messages. Not the I love you and want to have your baby messages, but not the I’m going to wear you as a suit type of messages either, so I guess the Gators are getting off lucky. Unless it’s some bizarre plan to lull Meyer into a false sense of security before actually wearing him as a suit. Juice Williams, who looked so good two years ago in leading Illinois to the Rose Bowl, has been benched after leading his team to a 1-3 start. Lane Kiffin is a take charge hold no prisoner bad ass. Receiver Brandon Warren, who had transfered from FSU, has been kicked off the team for having a heated argument with his receivers coach. Someone should invent a time machine and go back in time to when Jenna Jameson didn’t look like a duck. Then with her immense practice with catching and receiving, she would make a great receivers coach. And no player would argue with her, because they would think that if they just listened to her they might have a chance at getting some.

MLB: Miguel Cabrera of the Tigers won’t be charged by Detroit Police. He was detained after arriving home at 5am with a BAC of over 3 times the legal limit. And this was the morning of his Saturday night mucho importanto game. His GM picked him up at the station a mere 12 hours before the game was going to start. It looks like he, *raises sunglasses* just struck out. YEEEEAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! Trevor Hoffman just reached an agreement with the Brewers for a one year $8 Million dollar contract with an option for a second year. Hoffman is arguably the greatest closer of all time, though that point is somewhat moot as old timey players like Nolan Ryan closed their own fucking games.

NBA: Ooh, ooh Cleveland drama. LeBron James said that Braylon Edwards of the Browns is childish after Brown punched one of his friends at a late night incident at a bar. Yawn, wake me when Artest tries to strangle Kobe in his sleep.

Soccer: When George Gillett bought a share of the Liverpool football club, he brought some American sporting traits with him. Such as immediately passing the buck on to others. He’s stated that Rafa Benitez, the teams manager is solely to blame for the teams slow start.

WNBA: Playoffs, wait what?

Fanbase on Suicide Watch: Green Bay. Long time hero Brett Favre comes out of “retirement” to play for longtime archrival, Minnesota. Not only did he play for the enemy, but he led them to a defeat of the Packers. Wisconsin cheese merchants should be on the lookout for people buying cheddar in bulk, in an attempt to burst their stomachs and die of sepsis.

Gratuitous Semi-Naked Sporting Female:

Sex could be considered a sport, and she's about to persue that avenue of events.

Sex could be considered a sport, and she's about to persue that avenue of events.

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