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Q and A with Stafon Johnson

September 30, 2009

There are many dangerous components to being a football player. Your body can get hurt in a lot of different and unique ways. Such as the case with Stafon Johnson, Running Back for USC. Apparently he was lifting weights and dropped the barbell on his throat which crushed his larynx. Being the savvy sports reporter that I am, I was able to have access to chloroform the hospital he is recovering at and grab him for an interview for a few minutes:

Logic: Hello Stafon, how are you doing this evening?

Stafon: (gives thumbs up)

Logic: Excellent. (raises voice) I’M DOING FINE MYSELF!

RandomNurse: Logic, he can hear you. He can’t talk. He can listen.

Logic: Oh. Gotcha. So, just for the people who don’t know how did you injure your throat?

Stafon:

stafon-johnson_1

Logic: Hm, so you were bench pressing? Blink once for yes, blink twice for no.

Stafon: (blinks once)

Logic: Well were you lifting a lot of weight? Once for no, twice for yes.

Stafon:

Idaho USC Football

Logic: Oh so you weren’t lifting a lot of weight? That’s weird that you would drop a dumb bell on your own neck then? Huh. Isn’t it?

Stafon: (looks frustrated)

Logic: Just kidding pal. Don’t scream at me!

Stafon: (just stares at Logic)

Logic: Hahahahahaha!

Stafon: (still staring)

Logic: Ok, you didn’t like that joke? How about you, Nurse Ratchet? Bueller? Anyone? Tough room.

(Logic sets up LiteBrite)

Stafon: (wells up with anger)

Nurse: Um. Mr. Logic? What are you doing?

Logic: Trying to help this guy out. He needs to express himself in more than just blinks and foot stomps like a horse or some kind of mime.

Nurse: This is highly inappropriate.

Logic: (mumbles) Wait until I stick my pinky in your…

Nurse: What was that?

Logic: I said, Stafon would you like a drinky?

Stafon: (nods)

(Logic pours water)

(Stafon takes sip)

(water sprays out of trachea like a fountain)

Logic: That was gross, man.

(Nurse wipes Stafon’s throat carefully)

Logic: Well Stafon, if you would be so kind, could you re-enact how you felt when you scored that touchdown v. Ohio State? On this Etch-A-Sketch?

Stafon: (gets up to leave)

Logic: Aw I’m sorry Sensitive Sally. Why don’t you get out of the bitter barn and come play in the hay?

Stafon: (shakes head and sits back down)

Logic: Atta boy. (pulls out lab top, hits play on video) Now, is this going to be you?

Stafon: (cries)

Nurse: Are you just about finished?

Logic: I’m just getting started, baby.

Stafon: (gives Logic the middle finger)

Logic: (shoots spit ball at stoma)

Stafon: (chokes)

Nurse: (dials police) Yes. Hello? There is this man. He calls himself a blogger. He’s just drinking and offending my patient. He just shot a wad of paper at his stoma.

Logic: Ok, last question. How much would I have to pay you to let Gimp stick his wiener in there?

Stafon: (gets up and leaves)

Logic: It’s ok. Now you guys can leave. See ya later, Stephen Hawking. I’ll see you in hell, Stevie Wonder.

Nurse: For the last time! He can’t talk! He’s not blind!

Logic: No, you know what you are? Boring. Good day sir.

Nurse: I..

Logic: I SAID GOOD DAY!


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