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I Don’t Get It. Bonus Edition.

September 29, 2009

This is my weekly section where I will bring you topics from the sporting world (obscure or otherwise) that “I Don’t Get”.  I’ll either discover the legitimacy of something thought absurd, or further exploit the sheer stupidity of it all.  This week I bring you…

The Favre Delusion
There’s no disputing that Brett Favre (or Uncle Rico, as I call him) is a Hall of Fame Quarterback.  He has had an astounding career, that even the most die-hard rivals can’t argue against.  But now, the guy is older than dirt and has retired and un-retired like 85 times.  While I commend his…ahem dedication to the game [READ: MASSIVE EGO], I absolutely refuse to attribute any early and future successes of the Minnesota Vikings solely to Mr. Favre as the dick-sucking national media are wont to do.

Looking at the September 27th game versus the San Francisco 49ers, Favre didn’t have as much to do with the big, spectacular W that everyone wants to give him credit for.

Percy Harvin had the spectacular 101-yard kick return for a touchdown in the 3rd quarter (truly amazing to witness, might I add.  The crowd went insane!).  I don’t know if anyone saw, but man can that kid book.  It was probably hard to pay attention with all of the sucking noises coming from the press box, though.

They’ve got Purple Jesus who is a freak of nature and always delivers, and WRs like Sidney Rice who you know…receive.  Hell, even their TE Visanthe Shiancoe is a rockstar.

And let’s hear it for the Vikings’ Special Teams for always making sure that leathery oblong thing makes it through the uprights.  Without Loeffler, Kluwe, and Longwell the 2nd quarter would’ve been scoreless.  The quarter in which good ol’ Uncle Rico had 10 incomplete passes and got sacked.  Blame the line if you will, but maybe he needs to set off the nitros and get open.

But the TD Heard ‘Round the World should really be chalked up to No-Name-Greg-Lewis’s lofty grab and fantastic ability to stay in-bounds, reminiscent of the days of yore when one Randy Moss used to be a Demi-God around here (some still cling to good ol’ ’98).  Oh and, good job Unc’ at learning your teammates’ names, by the way.  Your humility embarrasses us all.

…and that is why I propose we replace Uncle Rico with a trained monkey.

Doesn't ChimChim look FABULOUS in purple?!

Doesn't ChimChim look FABULOUS in purple?!

1) It’ll be far less expensive.  Bananas and peanut butter are pocket change.  Zygi Wilf could delight from all the money saved, and maybe put it toward that new stadium they keep harping about.

2) Injuries – thus lost game time – will be minimal.  For starters, monkeys are fast.  Plus, who’s going to want to sack such a precious thing?  And if they do…THWAP! A handful of crap right in the face mask.

3) Trained monkeys aren’t wishy-washy.  With a genetic difference between humans and monkeys, that 2% accounts for non-bitchassness in monkeys.  They just show up to work and do what you tell them to do, for as long as you tell them to do it.  The 2% difference also probably doesn’t allow them to fake injuries for when they make mistakes, either.

It’s pretty obvious what the correct choice is here.  But who are the Vikings to make good decisions?  Hell, good ol’ Chilly is still the coach.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. September 29, 2009 3:48 pm

    But can chimps waffle when making a decision on a Toaster in a PC Richards commercial? Check and mate.

  2. Anthony permalink
    October 1, 2009 7:48 pm

    In this commercial:

    The DJ’s needed to rehearse for two hours. Then Bubbles (Michael Jackson’s former chimp) rolled up in his limo. Bubbles’ trainer directed Bubbles on what he should do and Bubbles was able to complete it in one take. I think we found our new quarterback…

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