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Using Logic v2.0

September 28, 2009

With the recent success of the Using Logic segment, my email has been flooded with people asking me for help! Don’t worry. I’ll get around to everyone as quickly as possible. As always you may contact my secretary at for any help. Here is the submitted letter of the week.

Dear Logic,

Hello sir. I read your piece on “Using Logic: Keeping Football Sacred” a few days ago and I think Roger Goodell could learn a thing or two from you! I really didn’t know where else to turn when I saw this play live. Being the proud parent of 3 future football players ages 12, 10, and 3, (I know what you’re thinking. Yes, the condom broke) I know that there is going to be a certain aspect of “sportsmanship” in the game. I’m not against that at all, but since when did football become a sport of wimps? This kid was no Pat Tillman! He was a law-breaker and a possible thief. And a lineman! A lineman who sounds like he drove drunk when he hit a tumbleweed. Linemen aren’t supposed to be known to the public. What happens in the trenches is the same as a glory hole “don’t ask and don’t tell”. Names are forbidden.

I don’t know if I’m being insensitive and I’m not a sports better like the last gentleman but is it wrong to score touchdowns? Why would this kid be so selfish and stop at the 5 yard line? I jumped from my seat and screamed at the top of my lungs in excitement and he made me waste energy. I’m 5’4’’ 263 lbs. and I can’t handle all that excitement very often. The doctor said I was about an arm movement away from a heart attack and it would have been for nothing. This ungrateful kid was going to score a touchdown. Something his lineman friend would have never done. Is it even a tribute? I think it’s almost disrespectful! Millions of kids all over the world will never get to score a touchdown in their lifetime and this young man is passing up the opportunity to score one that he could’ve had so easily!

Thanks for taking the time to read that long winded article about how great that kid is and how wonderful of a person he is while in the meantime he almost murdered me. Please help!

Wasted TDs

Dear Wasted

Wow. I’m not positive if I share the same anger and yes. Yes, you were being insensitive. I’m sorry that this kid instilled a feeling in you that caused you to move while you were snorting lines of Cheetos, you chubby panda. If I kicked you in the knee and caused it to buckle, would you cause movement on the Richter Scale? I hate you and your wasted titties.

I digress, this was not only disrespectful to the game of football but everyone involved and you were entirely in the right to email this to me. According to this kid’s bio, he is a degenerate and has been suspended from football in his previous school. He seemed to be kissing ass to his Athletic Director. He is required to meet with a pastor once a week to cleanse him of his sins which means he probably was a rapist of some sorts. I mean, banned from football? Is anyone even banned from the NFL? He is like the Shoeless Joe Jackson of High School Football and he’s trying to get back into the game for showing a little sportsmanship because some one who was named (unfortunately not Patrick) Duffy turned his car into this*.

If the coach really wanted to give tribute to a team in mourning, he could have NOT played his blue chip prospects (possibly) on their way to Texas Tech. The kid runs a 4.5 40 yard dash and is returning kicks during a blow out after the team has almost half a dozen kids in the hospital from participating in a demolition derby or some sorts. A nicer option would be if he fathered a child to the mother who lost her high school senior. Or just send flowers. Whatever.

The other team also said that they didn’t want to be treated differently, so getting to the 2 yard line, skipping back to the 5 like a foppish dandy and kneeling down to show his dominance over the other team is not a tribute. It’s a tributeFAIL. It’s like if I was boxing and I was beating up on a guy and he was “out on his feet” and then I decided to Riverdance instead of knocking him out.

I feel like this is where the saying “Don’t cry over spilled milk” comes from. Anyway, I hope this helps you in your very own healing process because it seems you are about one snickerdoodle away from losing a foot to diabetes.

Unfaithfully Yours,

p.s. What did your stupid kids have to do with this?

*not actually the truck.

One Comment leave one →


  1. Eff You. « Logic

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