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I Don’t Get It.

September 24, 2009

This is my weekly section where I will bring you topics from the sporting world (obscure or otherwise) that “I Don’t Get”.  I’ll either discover the legitimacy of something thought absurd, or further exploit the sheer stupidity of it all.  This week I bring you…

Minnesota Roller Girls – Minnesota’s Foremost Roller Derby Squad

When I happened across a 3-day tournament called “Brawl of America”, I was stunned to see it was for A FREAKING ROLLER DERBY.  In an arena.  Really???  Okay, number one…this is like, a full-fledged event complete with judges’ panel, referees, and lighting.  So my friend and I go in and these girls are doing laps like an Indy race, only on skates.  People are cheering and yelling and going crazy, but to me it just looks like a big cluster-F of roller skates, helmets and booty shorts.  Oh yes, they battle in booty shorts.



After about 15 minutes of not knowing what in God’s name we were witnessing, we get a program and then it all makes sense.  The scoop is that they have teams made up of: (1) Jammer, wears a star helmet and scores the points; (3) Blockers, wears a plain helmet and…DUH; and (1) Pivot, wears a striped helmet and organizes the pack and calls “plays”.  Basically all you really need to know is that once the Jammer gets out in front of everyone, one of the refs spots her and she scores points by lapping everyone.  There are various penalties a girl can be dealt i.e. cutting the track, elbowing, what-have-you.  If a girl gets too many she gets sent to the penalty box.  So the moral of that story is, if you jack a girl in the face you’ll get put on time-out (but it would make for great entertainment).

One of the cool things is that they have sweet names like Harmony Killerbruise, Hannabelle Lecter, Jackie Daniels, Venus Thightrap, and Tone Loco – to name a few.  The bout we made it to was for 9th/10th Place (Oh yeah, that’s how I roll.  Watchin’ it when it counts!), and it was the Minnesota Roller Girls vs. Grand Raggidy Roller Girls hailing from Grand Rapids, Michigan.  I tried to keep a play-by-play after I figured out what was going on, but it’s mostly just the two teams trading off the lead.

Ooooohhh!  Fast!  (Actually, my camera blows.  Who wants to buy mama a new one?!)

Ooooohhh! Fast! (Actually, my camera blows. Who wants to buy mama a new one?!)

The sweet parts are when say, one girl hip checks an opponent and the girl goes flying across the floor for like 15 feet and hits the people sitting along the track.  Then there was big drama when all of a sudden Jackie Daniels is spinning out of control and she crashes down on the sideline in front of us.  The medic rushes out, her coach comes rushing over, and they’re all trying to figure out what was going on…turns out one of the trucks on her skate broke.  Ohhhhh!  So much drama in the M-S-P (that’s the airport code for Minneapolis-St. Paul, people).  Anyway, my Minnesota Roller Girls threw it down and finished 91-75.  That’s how we do!

Jackie Daniels - Outta Commish'

Jackie Daniels - Outta Commish'

After their bout, we kind of hung around to see if I could get pictures with some of the girls.  Luckily I spotted one of the Minnesota Roller Girls “It” Girls, Jammer #109, Psycho Novia.

Psycho Novia - Slammin' & Jammin'!

Psycho Novia - Slammin' & Jammin'!

First of all, she is freaking TINY and ADORABLE.  Not the kind of girl you’d expect to be out there checking/being checked/potentially losing teeth.  She asked if we were going to try out for the team.  I laughed.  Or chortled (God, that is a fantastic word). [Note:  Something everyone should know about me is that for some reason I can’t navigate a room without getting injured.  If there is a table 10 feet away, I will run into it.]  So then!  Super diesel badass Jackie Daniels from the Grand Raggidy Roller Girls comes out, and she’s also just a little thing.

She skates so hard she broke a truck on her skate, people.

She skates so hard she broke a truck on her skate, people.

Things I learned from this experience:

1) These are like, normal girls (in booty shorts).  I totally thought they were going to be tatted up Amazonian lesbians.
2) This is like, a sport.  They skate their asses off (in booty shorts), and sweat, and get injured (Seriously.  Medics on stand-by.)  They have tournaments.  People pay to attend these things.  In arenas.
3) They serve booze.  FTW!

Check it out sometime.  It’s really hard not to get into it and start cheering for these girls when they’re kicking the crap out of each other.  On wheels.  In booty shorts.

Visit to find out more about the league.

P.S. I bought these.

My ass will be ready to rumble in these badboys! (heh heh.)

My ass will be ready to rumble in these badboys! (heh heh.)

P.P.S. Apparently there’s some movie called Whip It coming out.  About roller derbies, or something.  No one’s gonna see it until it’s on TBS, so I wouldn’t worry about it.

13 Comments leave one →
  1. September 25, 2009 5:52 pm

    So happy you came and had such a good time. I loved reading your blog post! Thanks so much.

  2. Eve L Hazard permalink
    September 25, 2009 5:59 pm

    Ha! Awesome post. I love reading about first times.. glad you had a good one!

  3. Derek Akkerman permalink
    September 25, 2009 6:23 pm

    Great article/story. I really wanna get to one of these…oh yeah, if ‘Whip It’ comes to my area I would see it in Theaters, its too good for TBS.

  4. Julie Strothman permalink
    September 25, 2009 6:45 pm

    If you liked the Tourney you’ll have to come out and see the Minnesota Rollegirls at one of their home bouts. They usually pack in about 3,000 people!!!

  5. Psycho Novia permalink
    September 25, 2009 7:08 pm

    AWESOME!! It’s so funny that I ran into this on facebook, posted by Wetspot :) :) I’m so glad you guys could make it out to the brawl! I expect to see you on Oct. 17th for the home opener :) or check out for future dates!

    I hereby call you a Dagger Doll fan since you bought pink booty shorts :)

  6. October 2, 2009 11:02 am

    C’mon! You HAVE to see Whip It! in the theaters – every time Jackie Daniels is on the screen you can pull out your pic, jump up and down and scream “I met her! I met her!” ;-)

  7. October 2, 2009 1:07 pm

    Glad you had a good time and figured it out!

    I am also glad MNRG forwarded me the link to your blog. I really enjoyed it and and thanks for calling me a “little thing”. Hahahaa. And super diesel badass. :)

    And, you better go see the movie, I’m in it!

  8. October 5, 2009 3:34 pm

    This person must not get out much. Since roller derby has been around since before most people were born, see .

    Here in Michigan we have 5 major teams within a few hours of us and one less than a block away.

    Oh, and by the way… seen the movie, and I am in love with a derby girl.

    • October 5, 2009 4:13 pm

      Oh stop it Mr Brat. Don’t get snooty with Berstreet. She gets out plenty. Just because it was her first RollerDerby event doesn’t mean she’s a hermit. I’ve never been to one and I’d almost bet money that if it’s popular in Michigan and you have 5 teams, it wouldn’t get off the ground here in New York. But then again, I probably don’t get out much either… Being in the center of the universe and all…

      • Polly Rocket permalink
        October 5, 2009 4:56 pm

        NYC has one of the best roller derby teams in the nation.
        Check them out.

        • October 5, 2009 4:59 pm

          Well Ms. Polly Rocket, I’d love to introduce you to my pocket rocket.

  9. October 5, 2009 4:30 pm

    Awww. Be nice, Mr. Brat. There are a TON of people who have no clue about our little snippet of the world. Plus, this reincarnation of derby is very, very different from the derby of the past. And, in my opinion, better.

    “Whip It!” is definitely worth seeing, but not on TV ’cause they’ll cut all the good parts out. I really hope you make it to another MNRG bout, it will be far less hectic than the Brawl.

  10. October 8, 2009 11:37 am

    Welcome to DERBY! By the way, it’s the most addictive, fun and empowering sport out there. Did I mention that it’s addictive? You can quit anytime you want to. But, why the heck would you? Great blog. Hope you check out some more. The more you see, the more you’ll love it. Really.

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