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The New Yankee Stadium Just Set It’s Single Season HR Record!

September 15, 2009

1024x768_yankee_stadium

The WORST Seat in the House

Well no shit. It’s brand new r-tard. But apparently no one told anyone anything in Bristol fucking Connecticut. Those bunch of snot nosed virgins that work for ESPN think that since it’s still named “Yankee Stadium” and has the same dimensions it’s the same ball park and that the single season record can still be broken. WRONG. Gally was a little rattled by this and developed slight tourrettes syndrome after his blurb about it earlier, so I had to take over to skullfuck someone. Not to mention I am the blog’s New Yawker which basically means I’m an expert on this topic. I’m actually way more qualified than all the faggot Sawx fans from ESPN. I didn’t think it was possible for “a nonpartisan sports network” to give so much coverage to one team. But I digress, there are some kittens to punch.

So the problem here is that Vladimir Guerrero hit the 216th home run in THE NEW Yankee Stadium which sets the  record for “most home runs at Yankee Stadium in a season”. If you look at this from afar, you realize that you just said something really stupid and trying to make headlines from nothing because your a douche bag from New England. ”
“Merrrrr, I’ll throw all your tea in the river. Merrrr” Is what I would imagine you saying. ESPN will never admit to being wrong though, sure they’ll bury the article deep down in the archives next to all those hooker skeletons from Chris Berman (he only likes to gnaw on the bones) and all of Stu Scott’s spare eyes but it’s still there. Just like Scott Van Pelt’s intelligent twin brother and Keith Olbermann’s soul. And also… It’s shitty journalism.

Well, the 216th home run came after 73 games have been played there. The stadium cost $1.5 billion. It has the same dimensions as the old Yankee stadium except for a few minor jet streams which gives the Yankees a distinct home-field advantage with their arsenal of lefties and switch hitters. Including Johnny Damon who may have cashed himself another ticket and contract extension (i.e. PAYDAY)  just because he knows how to work that fence. Too bad Nick Swisher has 6 home runs at home (last night increased the season total to 217). He’s like the David Wright in Citifield minus the brain damage. /cheapshot

The home run came off of Joba Chamberlain. Shocker. I’d much rather Joba’s meth addicted mother to pitch for the Yankees right now. Everyone has to nurse his arm like it’s MCA. Either make him a starter or make him a reliever. Just stop being fruity about it, bunch of homos. Look how well the first strategy ended up being for Doc Gooden. He won a World Series, a Cy Young and a Rookie of the Year. Joba is a just chubby panda. Sure Gooden blew out his arm and did a lot of drugs. But he won the God damned World Series and isn’t that what it’s all about? Fuck. We still have Phil Hughes.

Hi. I'm Justin. LOL! But you can call me Joba!

Hi. I'm Justin. LOL! But you can call me Joba!

I think I strayed from my path a bit. The point is, it’s a brand new ball park and if it was the same fucking park, why are the ticket prices so high for this “inaugural season”? I don’t even know why they built a new one. I know why they got rid of Shea. It smelt like hobo pee and chunks of asbestos would fall into your Pabst Blue Ribbon 16 oz. that’s why. But Yankee Stadium was still in good condition and when you factor in all the history, I don’t see why they would knock it down. That’s like setting fire to the Alamo because there are bloodstains. What? You guys don’t remember the Alamo?

So I don’t understand why ESPN would report on “the most home runs ever hit at Yankee Stadium in a season” when after the first home game it was the most home runs ever hit at Yankee Stadium in a season. Sometimes I feel like I’m allergic to stupid.

Gally, chalk this one up in the rants section. I need a break. I need a beer.

p.s. Sorry for all the block quoting. :(

p.p.s. They can bury THIS article in the basement next to Mike Golic’s whimpy son. And Trent Dilfer’s soul patch. And Meril Hodge’s frontal lobe and Michael Irvin’s regular blue pinstripe suits and Dan Patrick’s acting coach and Max Kellerman and the first season of Playmakers and the Philly Phanatic and highlights of LeBron getting dunked on and Skip Bayless’ sense of humor and Suzy Kolber’s rape whistle and Kenny Mayne’s career and anything ever written or ever recorded of Erin Andrews ever.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. September 16, 2009 5:45 pm

    You can’t be too serious about this article, considering how many things wrong with it. But I’ll only name the 2 I saw by reading the first sentence, because I really don’t feel like reading an entire post about this.
    1. It was not just “New Yankee Stadium.” It was the entire Yankee Stadium history. That means that it INCLUDES Old Yankee Stadium. You could have realized that by READING THE FUCKING ARTICLE. IT MENTIONED THE YEAR 2004. NEW YANKEE STADIUM WAS NOT USED UNTIL, LIKE YOU SAID, THIS YEAR.
    2. Another thing you could have noticed by READING THE FUCKING ARTICLE, it was written by The Associated Press. The AP is not affiliated with ESPN, ESPN just re-prints their articles, AS DO 99% OF ALL NEWSPAPERS. There’s no way that even you can be so stupid as to not know that. I’ts just not humanly possible.

    • gally permalink*
      September 16, 2009 5:54 pm

      1. You’re not usually useless, but always.
      2. When the article says the record for Yankee stadium, has been broken in the 73d game, it implies that there was a previous record to break.
      3. My streak of devious sex acts starts and finishes with your mother. That doesn’t mean if I start dating a new girl I can say I did the Sandusky Brick Shithouse with her. It’s something new, so the old stuff doesn’t relate.
      4. We did read the AP article on ESPN, not the AP website. If ESPN want’s to reprint faulty or shitty reporting then perhaps I should send them the address to your websites. ESPN is big enough and has enough editors/fact checkers that they should have said, “Hey, wait a minute this doesn’t seem or sound right, so we’re not going to post it.” Same with the AP.
      5. Our take on the article was done in the name of humor. Maybe one day you will be able to buy yourself a sense of one, but as of right now I guess you’re stuck being an immature high school student who cheers for Philadelphia. If I were you I’d probably slit my wrists.
      6. I peed IN your sister.
      7. Your feud with logic is lame.
      8. I think your sister gave me an STD.

    • September 16, 2009 6:32 pm

      Wow. I really couldn’t have said that any better. I don’t even need to respond to that. Like, at all. Kudos, Gally. Go fist your sister, Max.

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