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Teaching your Girlfriend/Significant other about Football

September 15, 2009

It took 7 months to get here folks, but the NFL season is in full effect. This is the time of year when your weekends become even more devoid of productivity and you focus on the finer things in life. Like refining your liver’s ability to metabolize alcohol as well as fine tuning your shit talking skills.

If you’re fortunate to have what is commonly known as a “man cave” then I am quite envious of you good sir. For the man cave serves as man’s inner sanctum for sports, and more importantly football. It is in this cave of man where words like “responsibility,” “work,” or “you’ve had too much” are never to be uttered.

Unfortunately, not all men are lucky enough to have a man cave. Instead we are relocated to our living room couches where wives, girlfriends, significant others, or in Gally’s case boyfriend (just kidding) have no problem bringing up the outside realities that us men put off until the early, hungover, abyss known as Monday morning.

Men, this is our time. For the next 22 weeks it’s about men and their balls. Big, brown, oblong balls. And if your old lady can’t get behind that, then you should highly reconsider moving on to the next step. In the case you already made it to the next step, there’s no problem with bailing. Kids? Mortgage? Responsibility? Pssh, nothing that a quick move and a new identity can’t fix.

But in all seriousness you’ve earned this. For the last 7 months you’ve been subjected to stupid silly shit like baseball, basketball, and in my case a cycle of America’s Next Top Model….Tyra Banks, would you please shut the fuck up, I’m trying to figure out my fantasy football team…Fucking harpy.

If you’re fortunate enough the woman you are spending the most time with is at least making an effort to get to know the sport that you know and love. If she’s not…Run. If she is that’s a great start to a long and lasting, beautiful relationship. However, after this 1st weekend of football you may have noticed a slight snag.

Every penalty. Every play. Every score is followed by a question, “I don’t get it. Why’d they kick it there instead of kicking it through the yellow posts” or “What’s that zebra patterned guy doing when he makes that motion?” or “Why was that worth 1 point instead of three? I’m confused.” God bless their soul’s for trying, but a whole season of dealing with repetitious questions is enough to make you go all Shawne Merriman on her.

So allow me to present to you, a picture guide to some of the more common penalties in the NFL. More than likely this will only complicate your significant other’s understanding of football, but who knows maybe they’ll finally understand what those zebra looking guys with the yellow flags are talking about.



Illegal use of the Hands


Illegal Contact


Too Many Men on the Field


Illegal Formation


Illegal Shift my pants. my pants.


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