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Another week, another NCAAF AP Poll.

September 14, 2009

Week 2 of the 2009 college football season is in the books, which means the AP poll is out. The rankings are below, along with the type of “expert” analysis that should earn me some type of writing award. But before we get to the sarcasm let me say that I hate the first 2 weeks of the college football season. For the most part it’s Div I A teams violating Div I AA teams (fuck calling it the FBS & FCS) as their family and friends are forced to watch. In some instances it’s like a really bad snuff film.

Plus it gives us no real sense of how good some of the teams really are. Can you really gauge how good a team is when they have what can only be described as a blood orgy at the expense of Eastern Washington State University? Fuck no The only good this serves is to skew the spreads and over/unders in a higher fashion which will help me to win money later in the season by betting the under and against the spread with my bookie…And by win money I mean piss away my unborn child’s college fund. Now that I’m done ranting, let’s get to the rankings…

1. Florida – The Gators started out with a lackluster 1st half, before deciding it was time to drop the boom on a lowly Troy team. Geez Florida, you can cover the spread against Troy, but not Southern Charleston. Psssh number 1 team in the country my ass.

2. Texas – Glad you guys decided to show up and play some football during the 2nd half.

3. USC – Matt Barkley has the whole surfer, frat guy, douche thing on lock down. The QB part will come in another year or so. That whole true freshmen thing is going to weigh USC down later in the season. My guess is at least 1 or 2 losses this season, but it will be an experience building year for the true freshmen.

4. Alabama – Good job letting FIU score on you guys. FI fucking U. Crimson Tide anally raped my under during that game. Thanks dicks.

5. Mississippi – /Yawn. Wake me when they play someone in their conference.

5. Penn State – 28 to 7 win against Syracuse and I can’t help but imagine that Joe Paterno still thinks it’s the 90s. Alzheimer’s is funny like that.

7. BYU – Trap game? Pssh Mormon power conquers all. Yay Jesus!

8. California – You played Eastern Washington? I was unaware that Eastern Washington existed as a college. Is that a high school?

9. LSU – I have nothing to say other than thank you LSU for winning me some money by being a low scoring team.

10. Boise State – Congrats on no one from your team getting punched in the face this week.

11. Ohio State – Good lord Jim Tressel looks like an uptight douche in a sweater vest. I’m not saying he could turn coal into a diamond with how clenched he looks, but it’s definitely not out of the question. And Terelle Pryor, way to look like you were the true freshmen QB.

12. Oklahoma – No better way to bounce back from the loss of your star QB and a crushing loss to the Mormons like viciously sodomizing Idaho State. Good job.

13. Virginia Tech – I had more important things to do, like shampoo my carpet. I could imagine the phrase “Beamer Ball” was stated no less than 15 times during the game.

14. Georgia Tech – Good game. I especially liked it when you guys were dominating Clemson and the spread only to blow the lead. I mean, a wins a win, but that was fucking weak.

15. TCU – The Horned Frogs begin their season by beating Virginia. The FBS’ ( god I hate calling it that) version of a FCS team.

16. Oklahoma State – That’s great that you guys have a high scoring offense. Sadly that doesn’t mean shit if you can’t keep the other team from scoring.

17. Cincinnati – Representing the Big East in style by donkey punching the shit out of Southeast Missouri State 70-3. Southeast Missouri State? What, was the Helen Keller School for the Blind, Deaf, & Mute football team already scheduled elsewhere?

18. Utah – You may not serve God in the same manner that BYU does, but you give the heathens of Utah something to believe in besides the promise of salvation and multiple wives.

19. Nebraska – You’ve played smear the queer the last two weeks against FAU and Arkansas State. I’ll actually give a shit if you can beat Virginia Tech and their Beamer Ball next week.

20. Miami – You were off this week. You better bring your A game as you start next week against the lead blowing Yellow Jackets of Ga Tech, followed by Virginia Tech and then capping it off with Oklahoma. You might be what they consider screwed, but maybe Bradford’s injury keeps him out longer than expected.

21. Houston – Hey look a Conference USA team ranked in the top 25…Big offense, and a defense that sucked far less than Oklahoma State’s. Enjoy it, because God only knows how long you’ll be there for.

22. Kansas – I’d hate to be the one stuck doing Mangino’s laundry after the game. The stench of sweat mixed with food stains must be unbearable.

23. Georgia – You win and you still drop in the polls. That sucks.

24. North Carolina – A safety saved your ass…Weak. You guys have some things to work out.

25. Michigan – Rich Rodriguez knocks off Jabba the Hutt and the Irish in what I can honestly say was a good game. Logic is going to be inconsolable that the Irish got knocked from the top 25, but I’m sure Charlie Weiss found solace in a ham sandwich that was lodged in one of his stomach rolls…He’s quite the emotional eater.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. September 14, 2009 3:09 pm

    I saw Charlie Weiss doing lines of crushed up Cheetos when I was in South Bend, I can only imagine him after a loss like that.

    • September 14, 2009 3:13 pm

      It must have been a sad/scary day to be a sour cream potato chip.

      • September 14, 2009 3:51 pm

        yeah he puts that shit on his flank steaks.

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