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NFL Kickoff: 22 weeks of non-productivity begin tonight.

September 10, 2009

The 7 months of meaningless sports comes to an end tonight as the NFL makes its return tonight with a battle between the defending Super Bowl champion, Pittsburgh Steelers and the Tennessee Titans. The anticipation is unbelievable and I can truly say that without an intonation of sarcasm or a wanking motion. This level of excitement ranks somewhere up there with the feelings one experiences on their wedding day and the day their first child is born, if not above and beyond those events.

As we count down the hours, minutes, and seconds to tonight’s match-up I can honestly say I’m like an ADD riddled 7-year-old on Christmas Eve. You don’t know exactly what to expect, but you know it’s going to be good, just so long as it’s not socks or your father passed out beneath the tree. And just like the over-anxious child, who shakes the presents to figure out what they are, I will do my best to give a little shakey shakey for the match-ups of week 1,

Tennessee Titans at Pittsburgh Steelers
Titans RB, LenDale White, has a knack for pissing people off, as further evident by was has become known as “The Stomp.” Last December after the Titans defeated the Steelers White stomped on a Terrible Towel, which coincidentally happened a few minutes before a small island in the Pacific was engulfed by a huge tidal wave. Steeler fans have not forgotten as they have nothing else to do but dwell on Steeler football. You think they follow the Pittsburgh Pirates? Hell no. The fans are out for blood and look for the Steelers to give it to them.

Winner: Steelers

Sunday (aka The Holy Sabbath of Football)
Miami Dolphins at Atlanta Falcons
Yay Wildcat /makes wanking motion.

Winner: Falcons

Kansas City Chiefs at Baltimore Ravens
I expect low scoring, and lots of uni-brow goodness from Joe Flacco.

Winner: Ravens

Philadelphia Eagles at Carolina Panthers
Michael Vick will be making the trip to Carolina, which is good news because PETA probably wasn’t sure how many protesters to bring to the game. Over/Under for how many Vick jersey wearers get doused with red paint 7.5.

Winner: Eagles

Denver Broncos at Cincinnati Bengals
The only team with more dysfunction than the Bengals has to be the Broncos. Josh McDaniels has done in his short time with the Broncos organization what AIDS has been doing to small African villages for years…something on par with what Sarah Palin would do to the US if she was elected President in 2012. Ba-zing. Bengals have the nod here. One because they’re only slightly less of a cluster fuck. Plus I’m curios to see what the athlete formally known as Chad Johnson does for a TD celebration.

Winner: Bengals

Minnesota Vikings at Cleveland Browns
Oh dear God, I will avoid this game like a prostitute with VD and swine flu, a dual threat that can get you with contact or just being in the general vicinity. Expect Favre’s name mentioned at almost every game this Sunday, but expect this game to have the most Favre fellatio. Favre hating aside, Purple Jesus and company should have no problem taking down the Brady Quinn lead Browns. Something Quinn wouldn’t mind that is until he realizes that I’m talking about a loss in football and not a rousing game of pin the tail on the TE. A game I heard is very popular at Notre Dame…Right Logic?

Winner: Vikings

New York Jets at Houston Texans
Mark Sanchez makes his 1st regular season start, which would mean a lot to me if I really cared. Odds I would watch this game with a gun to my head and my loved ones 20-1.

Winner: Texans

Jacksonville Jaguars at Indianapolis Colts
So the Colts cut their own gunslinger, in Marvin Harrison a few months ago, but they still have Peyton “The Better” Manning at the helm. Not to mention Reggie Wayne. I like the Colts here. Plus David Garrard hasn’t looked good since that playoff run they went on two years ago.

Winner: Colts

Detroit Lions at New Orleans Saints
Look for Detroit to extend their regular season losing streak to 17 games.

Winner: Saints

Dallas Cowboys at Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Everyone knows that the Cowboys don’t start choking until later in the season. Expect them to win here and start building momentum for a late season dumpster fire that resembles a highway accident involving a bus full of children.

Winner: Cowboys

San Francisco 49ers at Arizona Cardinals
The defending NFC champs start off with divisional rivals the 49ers. Hopefully, Mike Singletary will be able to keep his pants on at halftime, but there are no guarantees. My money, if I had any, would be on the Cardinals. Warner may be a bible thumper, but he has two of the best WRs in the league to throw to. Speaking of QBs look for Matt Leinart on the sidelines mentally counting down the days until Spring Break ’10.


Who needs a starting gig when you can get all the underaged tail you want?

Winner: Cardinals

Washington Redskins at NY Giants
The Redskins have an inconsistent problem at QB and his name is Jason Campbell. When his game is on Campbell looks great. When he’s not on, well he looks like he should be wearing a Lions jersey. Ba-zing. Look for Eli “The Lesser” Manning to look as down syndromed as ever, but especially when the defensive pressure is headed his way. Damn I should probably say something nice about the Giants…Congratulations on not being the Jets?

Winner: Redskins (suck on that Logic!)

St. Louis Rams at Seattle Seahawks
This game for me would be the equivalent of receiving socks on Christmas morning.

Winner: Seahawks

Chicago Bears at Green Bay Packers
Hey Aaron Rodgers, what do you think about Brett Favre coming back to play? Dear god. Thankfully this game will not be on in my area, because I would not be able to take how many times Favre’s name comes up.

Winner: Green Bay

Buffalo Bills at New England Patriots
The cancer that is TO hasn’t had enough time to spread, yet. I’d imagine a respectable showing by the Bills, but Tom “I will impregnate as many hot chicks as I want” Brady is back. It’s a divisional game, which actually won’t mean dick. Look for Brady to look as cool and collective as ever…with his GQ looks and breath taking smile…ummm….Patriots FTW.

Winner: Patriots

San Diego Chargers at Oakland Raiders
Wait a second how the fuck did the Raiders get on for a Monday night game? I guess better to get it out of the way now, before we find out terrible they really are. It’s a no brainer here. Rivers and his offense should easily take it to the Raiders. Look for Shawne Merriman to finish what he started with Tiia Tequila, and take out that left over aggression out on the Raiders offense. Thank god the Steelers weren’t playing the Chargers this first week, because Hines Ward would have been the perfect target.

A shot at love with Hines Ward...Close enough, right?

A shot at love with Hines Ward...Close enough, right?

Agree? Disagree? Leave it in the comments.

Winner: Chargers

5 Comments leave one →
  1. vintorius permalink
    September 10, 2009 2:26 pm

    yes, thank goodness for the Start of Football season.
    but I’m not so sure the last 7 months have been filled with meaningless sports, Hockey was alive and well and posted another Pittsburgh team winning the Cup, baseball is still going strong..kinda..

    • September 10, 2009 2:29 pm

      Baseball is still going on? Shit…

  2. September 10, 2009 3:57 pm

    First of all pin the tail on the TE is only with women. I promise. I think. I don’t know. I’m pretty sure I got roofied. But the Giants are fucking winning.

    • September 10, 2009 3:59 pm

      Care to wager?

      • September 10, 2009 4:45 pm

        what you got in mind?

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