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The Associated Press has spoken. Your NCAA College Football Top 25.

September 8, 2009

The 2009 NCAA college football season is well under way. Week 1 has ended after last night’s close contested battle between the University of Miami and Florida State. Today is Tuesday, which means 2 things, 1) I have a reference point for recalling the lapses in memory I have for the last few days and 2) This week’s rankings from the Associated Press are out. Below you will find the rankings, as well as my expert analysis. And by expert analysis I mean tons of profanity and sarcasm.

1. Florida – Was there any doubt they wouldn’t be number one? I mean, they did play a team that even the Detroit Lions could have beaten.

2. Texas – Nothing more satisfying to a Texas fan than a victory and a Oklahoma loss. Except maybe the state of Texas becoming its own country. You crazy Texas.

3. USC – Their true freshmen QB really stepped up there…against San Jose State. Which by my calculations doesn’t prove dick.

4. Alabama – Based on my calculations, and Nick Saban’s past experience, Saban only has about 1-2 years left before he jumps ship. Which gives us non-Nick Saban fans more reason to hate him.

5. Oklahoma State – What the hell are you doing up here?

6. Mississippi – When the fuck did Mississippi get good at football? I should have stopped drinking so much last season.

7. Penn State – Joe Paterno looked great on the sidelines…I guess…for a walking skeleton.

8. Ohio State – The only that would be more embarrassing than losing to Navy would be doing so while wearing a sweater vest…Suck on that Tressel!

9. Brigham Young – Yay, God! You crazy Mormons. I bet they celebrated by having punch and chocolate chip cookies in the hotel room afterwards. Thankfully they didn’t stay up too late, on account they had church early the next morning.

10. California – Will a Pac-10 team other than USC win the conference? Probably not, Sarcasm did you see how well that true freshmen QB from USC played against San Jose State? You can’t compete with that.

11. LSU – Way to almost lose to a team that had lost 14 games in a row. The heads of SEC fans across the south would have collectively exploded, had LSU lost to a non-SEC team. Mainly because the douchedom that is the SEC’s fans decree that the SEC is the greatest conference in all the land and its teams should only lose to other SEC teams.

12. Boise State – There are some things that you should never have to witness in HD. Really old & trashy porn, on account you can actually see the uterine scarring, and Boise State’s eye raping blue field. On a related note thank god I no longer have a Plasma television because that blue would have easily burnt into the screen.

13. Oklahoma – Oh noes! Sammy Bradford has an owie! Start panicking Sooner fans.

14. Virginia Tech – Beamer Ball this, Beamer Ball that. How about having a plan that centers on scoring by way of your offense?

15. Georgia Tech – Engineering students from Georgia Tech have successfully created fully functional robots. One’s so life-like you wouldn’t be able to tell them apart from their human counterparts. How else would you explain GT being ranked in the top 15?

16. TCU – You didn’t play so you get a pass.

17. Utah – After you go undefeated this season and inevitably get screwed out of a spot in the National Championship game please don’t try to sue the BCS. You’re in the Mountain West Conference, deal with it. Gally points out that Utah does have to make it through BYU during the season. I wouldn’t worry. The mystical magic of the Mormons will dry up faster than a pornstar’s vagina in a 500 person gang bang.

18. Notre Dame – Charlie Weiss’ Farewell Tour started out with a win, and Logic puking in a cathedral. Overall, a good first week. I have my fingers crossed that it’s all downhill from here.

19. North Carolina – Wow. Those pollsters have no respect for the defending NCAA basketball champs. Wait, UNC is actually good at something other than basketball? That’s weird. Not like making out with your cousin weird, more like “The Stranger” weird.

20. Miami (FL) – Stabbings and fatal gunshot wounds were at an all time low last night. Which is a damned shame, because bloodshed and violence is something that Miami fans live for. Expect them to make up for this in the games to come.

21. Georgia – The headline for Oklahoma State’s school newspaper should have read, “Bulldogs get spayed.”

22. Nebraska – Me: Cornhuskers eh? What exactly does that entail? Cornhusker: Well we farm corn. Me: Sounds exciting /makes wanking motion when they’re not looking. Cornhusker: Yeah it is. You ever shove an ear of corn up your ass? It’s divine. Me: Huhhwhat?

23. Cincinnati – Hey look a Big East team is finally ranked in the top 25? Over/under for how long that lasts 2.5 weeks.

24. Kansas – Nice win over Northern Colorado. Make sure to remember that victory when Oklahoma and Texas both figuratively “push your shit in.”

25. Missouri – /Yawn. Oh I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware you guys were still relevant after Chase Daniels graduated.

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