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The U at Florida State: A totally irrelevant preview

September 7, 2009

Tonight’s the night that the University of Miami makes its triumphant return to greatness. Okay maybe not, but they are playing the Seminoles of Florida State University, which for the most part is an entertaining battle between two state and conference rivals.

Miami of course is known nation wide for their “swagger” (ie overt cockiness), which in more recent years has come to mean being a huge dick. Back in the good old days swagger was synonymous with them winning with a certain attitude…and being huge dicks. But it was easier to deal with back then because, well, they were winning.

You also cannot mention the U without mentioning their fans…Yeah they’re pretty obnoxious, but that’s actually redundant to say since most college football fans, especially college students themselves, are quite obnoxious when it comes to collegiate affiliation. This is never more prevalent than the number of fights that break out before, during, and after a college game. You also can’t talk about the U without mentioning criminal activity. As many of their players have racked up quite the criminal record that would in fact make a Cincinnati Bengal blush.

Florida State on the other hand is most notably known for having players with equal if not even shadier activities. Hey remember that time that FSU QB, Wyatt Sexton, was found out on a city road acting kinda weird. Apparently it was a result of Lyme Disease. I think it was more like a long weekend of tripping acid at a Dave Matthews Band concert. At least that’s what was suggested by some friends of mine who attended school there at the time. Something about Sexton walking around the roads, no shoes, a paint brush in one hand and a paint bucket in the other trying to make the broken street lines connect. And when asked by cops said something to the effect that God told him to do it. Acid is a crazy drug.

More recently a cheating scandal has ensnared the University in a battle with the NCAA to see if some victories will be overturned. Which could effect Bobby Bowedn, or at least what’s left of him that the Alzheimer’s hasn’t destroyed, in his race for most college wins by a Div IA coach against walking skeleton and Penn State coach Joe Paterno.

No doubt Bowden is losing/lost it, but I’m waiting for the game interview, whether it be pregame or halftime, when Bowden becomes so disoriented that he says something to the effect of, “What in samhell are all these (insert racial slur here) doing on my lawn. Who the fuck are all these people and what’s that damn Inngen doing with that there flaming spear? He better not trample my petunias or I swear to white Jesus that I will scalp him.”

I’m hoping for a Miami win here, but I’ll settle for an interesting game. One that doesn’t involve me flipping the channel come halftime. And if all else fails, maybe I can at least look forward to seeing these gals…





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