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Research suggests heavy drinkers more likely to exercise than non-drinkers. Score one for the alcoholics.

September 2, 2009

Research suggests you can go from this...

Research suggests you can go from this...

About damn time some research came along to support my debaucherous and destructive ways. A new study suggests that heavy drinkers are more likely to exercise than light and non-drinkers. Which has been the reasoning I’ve been trying to explain to my in-laws, wife, and AA sponsors for the last few years.

Surprisingly, the effect was strongest with heavier drinkers, who “were more likely to exercise than light drinkers and exercised for more minutes,” said lead researcher Michael French, a professor of health economics at the University of Miami.

Health economics? I did not know they gave degrees for something like that. It’s like they took two different unrelated subjects and paired them together. What’s next, business engineering? Corny joke Fail this. this.

Eh whatever. This just gives me another excuse to drink, besides that other one I’ve been using for the longest time. You know that one about my drinking being a “disease” that I can’t control. It’s a pliable excuse, and it nets me some free coffee and pastries on the small chance I attend one of those court ordered meetings.

Still, while the researchers found a strong statistical relationship between alcohol and exercise, you can’t–and shouldn’t–jump start an exercise program by pounding down more beers, said French, adding that the effects of heavy drinking don’t outweigh the benefits of exercise.

Well since a relationship exists why not conduct a little field research. I mean, I took a research class in college so I am more than qualified. If only that same principle applied to athleticism, because I play a mean game of Madden.

In order to test out this theory I was fortunate enough to sit down with a few athletes who are more than experienced with the bottle. This allowed me to get to the bottom of how alcohol affects their performance on the field, as well as in the weight room.

Me: My first guest is Tennessee Titan running back, LenDale White.


White: /shovels handful of cheese fries into mouth
Me: Uh…Mr. White you recently gave up the devil’s Mexican juice, which has allowed you to cut some weight. How has this reduction in alcohol consumption affected your ability to work out?
White: mumble mumble, mumble
Me: Mr. White.
White: mumble, mumble mumble /puts a 6 inch Subway sub in mouth, swallows whole
Me: Shouldn’t you chew that?
White: /opens mouth wider, half a turkey leg and what appears to be a half digested tire fall out. stares at turkey leg and puts it back in his mouth.

Me: /blank stare. That’s not you talking is it? Just kinda a combination of you chewing and you straining to breathe, isn’t it?
White: /reaches for clipboard out of interviewer’s hands and places in his mouth.

Okay that didn’t go so well, but I was able to sit down with another NFL athlete who was a big fan of the booze.

Me: I’m here with Tennessee Titan quarterback Kerry Collins. Mr. Collins thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to speak with me today.

Collins: It’s…mumbles…pleasure….zzzzzzzzz

Me: Fuck. Did he just fall asleep…?


Collins: /zzzzzzzzzzzzzz flask of whiskey falls out of lap and onto the floor.
Me: Motherfucker! Screw this. If you need me I’ll be at the bar doing my own workout of  elbow and liver…I seriously hope he chokes on his vomit. Cocksucker.


2 Comments leave one →
  1. gally82 permalink*
    September 2, 2009 5:14 am

    Does this mean that my life long goal of being a business engineer will never happen?

    /runs away sobbing.

    • September 2, 2009 1:33 pm

      If you can dream it, you can do it. Except being successful. You’re pretty fucked in that regard. Hahaha

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