US Open Q & A
Announcer: Ok, I think we are all set up and awaiting the arrival of our interviewee. We have an inside source at the Arthur Ashe Tennis Center who has been behind the scenes for the U.S. Open. We’re really excited to have him here and all the wonderful things he’s done to keep this event running
Announcer: Settle Down Everyone. Settle Down. We’re ready to begin.
Announcer: Now, the USTA and the US Open committee proudly welcomes, Logic. Give him a round of applause. He will be fielding questions from the media and fans alike. So be patient as he shall try to get around to everyone.
Logic: Yeah. Go ahead.
Questioner 1: Uh, yeah hi. Big fan of your work. Before I get into my question about US Open, I was wondering if you thought it was too soon to make Jaycee Dugard jokes?
Q1: That’s it? No. You’re a sick bastard. Well my next question is, what do you do?
Logic: I’m a high powered blogging megastar. And a professional asshole. Next question.
Q2: What kind of access do you have to the arena?
Logic: All access to anywhere in the arena and amazing parking. So suck it.
Q3: Are there requirements to get into the stadium to watch a match?
Logic: Great question. I thought there were tickets like in other sporting events. In this one there are actually expectations that the US Open committee has when allowing entry to patrons.
Q3: Sorry, I have a follow up question… What kind of expectations?
Logic: Well for example, a popped collar helps. Boat shoes. Kapris on men. Sun dresses on women. Women must look either like Amazons or incredibly sexy holding the hands of entirely too rich men. Anyone Slavish is permitted. Only two brands of clothing are acceptable: LaCoste and Ralph Lauren. Also, your world perspective must be seen down through the tip of your nose while only drinking expensive Mojitos or Grey Goose vodka. Cheeseburgers and hot dogs are rarer to find than sushi and caesar salad wraps. Only Heineken and Evian will be served to drink.
Q4: Wow. That seems like a high class of clientele. Have you met any stars?
Logic: No. There are no stars in tennis. I’m much more important than anyone you would meet that holds a racket. Roger Federer, Serena Williams, Venus Williams, John McEnroe, Andy Roddick, Raphael Nadal and Andy Murray have all been spotted though. They are the good players. If you consider this a sport. Will Ferrell and James Blake were also here on Saturday. I don’t know why but they were protected by a NYPD Hercules team. Trust me.
Q5: Did you just say that all tennis players aren’t athletes and this isn’t a sport?
Logic: Did you just come out and say you were deaf? A question for you? You ever been beaten to death with a bag of door knobs?
Q5: Listen buddy. This is an interview. We are aloud to-
Logic: Next question. I’m bored with you now.
Q6: What has been your highlight of the US Open in the two short days you’ve been there?
Logic: Gaining access to the woman’s locker room without being questioned or slapped with a summons.
Q6: You’re a pig and I would never let you around anybody’s children.
Logic: Yeah? And you’re ugly. Next question
Q7: How is the atmosphere of the stadium?
Logic: I would recommend staying in the new Heineken Light boutique. They have Nintendo Wii and a hot girl that serves drinks and wears a tennis skirt while dancing to the Top 40’s music they play. Beers are $8 each but that’s cheaper than Yankee Stadium. But not as cheap as your mother. You have to remember, this is like the Mecca of Tennis I’ll see how the rest of the tournament goes.
Q7: Can you try not to insult my religion? And I’ll be seeing you! In the parking lot!
Logic: Please, no more Happy Gilmore comments.
Q8: Did you know that the odds for Roger Federer’s were at (-4000) against that 18 year old kid?
Logic: Did you know that women can vote AND orgasm?
Q8: Um. That’s sexist on like 6 different levels
Logic: Build a bridge and get over it. I cannot bet on tennis. #1, I don’t follow it. #2, I’d be fired if caught. #3, I don’t even think gambling could make this exciting. It’s like beer pong without the drunk chicks.
Q8: You’ve made me come to hate Irish people. And bloggers.
Logic: And you’ve made me come. Next question.
Q9: I find you disgusting not only as a human being but you physically make me ill. Why do you have a Celtic Cross tattooed on your arm… How can you be religious?
Logic: Are you kidding? This is like having a retarded kid at Six Flags… While you wait online at the Pearly Gates I’m going straight to the front. Do you have a tennis related question?
Q9: Sorry. You just fascinate and repulse me all at the same time. Is there anything you are expecting to happen at the US Open?
Logic: Yes. Andy Roddick and Serena Williams will win their respective tournaments. And are you vibing me?
Q9: No. I feel like you just made me sterile.
Announcer: Ok folks, this is Logic’s last question. Remember! He is a big time writer and needs time to reflect on his posts and come up with stories. He also told me to say that his hobbies are “working out, helping retarded dolphins survive in the wild and cunnilingus?” This guy is sick.
Q10: Did you just give out your Match.com profile during a serious interview?
Logic: Match.com is for losers! *blushes*
Q10: Right. So my question is what makes you such an authority on-
(Logic gets up and leaves)
Q10: That guy is such a cocksucker! Who does he think he is?!?
Crowd: RABBLE! RABBLE RABBLE!!!!
Announcer: Calm calm people! He’ll interview again!
(crowd kills Announcer)