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An Unbiased Look into the NFC East

August 29, 2009

Weclome Gallions. That’s your name. The readers. Sorry for my lack of action. I was busy working yesterday than I went to Governor’s Comedy Club to see that retarded genius Rich Vos with Tim Gage opening for him. Amazing. His best joke was about how he is fucking his hot wife, Bonnie McFarlane, with her period and he pretends he is killing her. He also did a 10 minute skit on how he’d fight anyone in a wheelchair or has one arm. Saying he would punch the wheelchair person in the back of the head and then run around them and punch them in the back of the head while they are spinning around in circles trying to catch up. Then he’d run up a hill and by the time the wheelchair man got to him he’d punch them in the back of the head and wheel them down the hill. People in the Audience in Wheelchairs: 4.

Ok, I digress. I didn’t know what I was going to get around to today because of my hangover, a block party and then UFC tonight. Me and Gimp will be simultaneously jerking off from 600 miles away when Nate Marquardt powerbombs someone again. The hot little blond from Abercrombie and Fitch’s block party was canceled and now you have this post. Oh shit. Hey Gally? Can you tell if my girlfriend is a reader?

Still digressing… We have a bunch of NFL previews left to do. I’m going to take the funnest and best conference. The NFC East has it all. 2 high profile felons, Jessica Simpson (or for a laugh). But in reality, this conference also has the best potential to win a Super Bowl. Or at least cause the most damage in the playoffs. The NFC East is like 4 guys at your house party that shot gun Pabst Blue Ribbons until they either fight one another, puke or get laid. Now that’s a metaphor for “taking one another out of the playoffs”, “losing outright” or “getting to the Super Bowl”.

The NFC East has had 5 playoff teams in the last two years. Am I the only one who thinks that stat shouldn’t even be legal? Not to mention a Super Bowl winner in that span. 3 Super Bowl contenders since 2001. Only the NFC West has more and that’s due to the Rams’ Dynasty.

With the two team Wild Card entry into the playoffs it wouldn’t be unusual or unrealistic that the NFC East sends 3 teams to the playoffs again. I’m going to break down each team’s strengths and weaknesses as best I can. But I’m a no-name blogger that works for a volunteer sports blog and most of my posts are about a sport that doesn’t exist (fantasy football) so you can take my word for it, of you can fist yourself. It’s your life, man.

First, I guess I’ll blow right through the Giants like the Japs blew through Pearl Harbor or your mother did with the Knicks. Remember, I am a Giants fan…

The New York Football Giants:

The Giants were the division favorite last year and at the beginning of this year until the Eagles got Vick and Plaxico gave himself a “Cheddar Bob“.  I feel the Giants can be great without him just like they lost that sissy Jeremy Shockey (who still happens to be my favorite NFLer but he can’t fight worth a shit). If Eli gets a guy to step up and be a threat he will be solid. If not, he can always blame it on losing two All-Pro players in the last two years. I think Mario Manningham will step up until Ramses Barden and Hakeem Nicks take over the reigns because they are freaks of nature. Throw in Hixon, Moss and Smith and you got a solid WR core by committee. I don’t care if they are unproven. they are professionals and have been doing this all their life. With those rookies with freakish talent and uncanny size, if this is the biggest problem, it won’t be for long. But this is by far the biggest gap on their team since Michael Strahan’s teeth.

Get Your Mind Out of the Gutter.

Get Your Mind Out of the Gutter.

The running game might have taken a hit by losing Derrick Ward which was one of their 1,000 yard backs. I don’t think it’s a big deal considering the explosive Bradshaw will get more carries and Danny Ware looks solid. Plus if Jacobs gets more carries and stays healthy he will do more damage than the Swine Flu to Mexico. He could be a top 5 back in the league with that offensive line.

The defense is too good right now. Top 2-3 in the league. But they did bring in two girlfriend beaters and if history has proven anything I will emulate my favorite team and start hitting women. I promise only if they deserve it. Well it’s known that I love their young safeties and Miley Cyrus. The defensive line is the strength going 7 deep which is one of my favorite hobbies. The LBs have upgraded from last year and Pierce is like a 2nd string Defensive Coordinator. They should be fine. Getting Osi back is like signing a top tier free agent in the offseason. If Aaron Ross is healthy by week 1, the G-Men will be a tough team to beat.

One interesting aspect could be if the Giants somehow work a deal with the Broncos for Brandon Marshall. If he is going for the right price, I’d like to see him in blue and red. Ok, not red. Red is the color of blood. But if the Giants can look the other way with Michael Boley, I’m sure they could do that for an All-Pro WR. I mean Wellington Mara was giving character statements for Shockey and (the real) LT biweekly.

Philadelphia Eagles:

The Eagles have become the favorite in the division for many people. And don’t say you had the Eagles as the favorite before that because I’ll diagnose you with a case of the Falsey McLiarpants disease. I’m not a doctor but I play one with the high school cheerleading team. I don’t really know about this whole Super Bowl talk for them yet. They probably will have better luck with AJ Feely as their quarterback. 1 Super Bowl was won by a black guy. What? I’m just playing the numbers man. I’m cool. My best friend is black.

See? Me and Tyrell Going Through The Numbers

See? Me and Tyrell Going Through The Numbers

The Eagles are like the perfect woman. They just keep getting younger and younger. They picked up DeSean Jackson two years ago who proved to be a stud. Then this year they got LeSean McCoy and Jeremy Maclin who are promising rookies that look good in their preseason games. The offense should be fine, especially if Westbrook stays healthy. He could be the most dominating part time back anyone has ever seen. Though he could crumble quicker than my Dodge Neon in a car accident at any given moment.

On the defensive side of the ball, they did lose their leader Brian Dawkins to the Broncos in a Derek Jeterish situation the Yankees will see in the future. Getting Stewart Bradley back seems to be the key for a lot of ESPN analysts even though I have no fucking clue who he is or why he would be a key to a defense. Their secondary will still be good with Samuel, Brown and Hobbs. Their d-line seems a little week even though I love my boy from ND, Trevor Laws.

The Eagles offense will falter if they run that Circus Abortion offense called The Wildcat. I despise it. I think after people have been able to scout it for a year, it will be shut down.

Washington Redskins:

I think the Redskins are like the Elliot Spitzer hooker. Sure it’s expensive but how much better could it be for all that money? I mean it’s not a steak or a car where the more expensive it is, the better it gets. Football is the same way. The Redskins put all their money in the wrong spots. Going out and getting Albert Haynesworth is a great grab but what’s more valuable: the best DT in the league or a shut down corner, or a WR that can catch? The Redskins have neither of those.

I think them starting Jason Campbell is the best thing for the NFC East. Because he sucks. I think Chase Daniels and Colt Brennan have much more talent than this clown. Not to mention Jim Zorn insulted him by trying to bring in Matt Cassel. A career back up.

As for the defense, London Fletcher anchors it. He is a solid LB and has an Antonio Pierce style of play, minus the gun running ability. And of course an overpaid CB in DeAngelo Hall who could have upside if Zorn could polish him down. When Fred Smoot is your best CB, your in trouble. But we all know Jim Zorn couldn’t coach Gally’s college Curling team he talks so highly about. LaRon Landry is a solid safety when he isn’t being owned by Brandon Jacobs and Sean Taylor is their best player.

The WR situation in Washington is pretty pathetic. Santana Moss is good but not amazing. Randle El was just a product of the system and Brandon Lloyd has already been cut. So all that money they spent recently has gone to waste. One of the highest grossing NFL Teams is just paying players to be average. Sounds like the Mets, but whatever. I think these guys will fall to the cellar of the division despite an amazing effort from the aging Portis and the awesome Cooley.

Dallas Cowboys:

Dallas was the division favorite 2 short years ago. But since then, they’ve lost their carnival aspect with Terrell Owens. And even though the guy is 33 years old he is still a top end WR. Roy Williams isn’t too much to write home about even though I think he is a pretty good WR. He’s a much better basketball coach than a ball catcher. Your sister is #1 at that. Miles Austin and Patrick Crayton are going to have to pick up a lot of slack which I don’t think they can do.

I also would rather trust an Atlantic City hooker with my wallet, car keys and daughter’s safety than Tony Romo at the helm of my team. No one is talking about how he lost his “security blanket”. I mean he still has Jason Witten to snuggle with in Punta Cana but without Jessica Simpson, he’ll have no excuse for sucking. That foppish dandy.

Demarcus Ware is one of the best pass rushers anyone has seen in a long while. I also think Marion Barber and Felix Jones might be the best 1-2 punch in the league. And at this point can we stop talking about Tashard Choice? He might be good but if Felix Jones doesn’t touch the ball 20 times a game because of Choice, I’m going to put Wade Phillips in a kimura.

Speaking of Wade Phillips he has to be on the hot seat after 2 disappointing season with “America’s team”. He is sitting in front of the highest paid Assistant Coach so he also has that pressure. His heart really doesn’t need that. He’s about 1 snickerdoodle away from losing a foot to diabetes as is. His heart can’t take it. Let’s hope him and Charlie Weis just stop ruining the most popular football teams in America and put a Golden Corral out of business.

Well, as for my predictions for the division? I’d go with Giants in 1st. Philly in 2nd. Dallas in 3rd and the Injuns in 4th. Me? Well I need to start drinking for this UFC PPV on tonight. Until next time.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. August 29, 2009 6:34 pm

    If by unbiased you mean completely favoring the Giants, then yes, yes sir you are.

  2. LACE permalink
    August 31, 2009 3:46 pm

    I was actually in your Neon for that accident

  3. August 31, 2009 6:27 pm

    this just turned out to be a Giants Party where we pulled a couple fag drags. Disgraceful


  1. An Un-Biased NFC East Preview « Logic

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