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A Noncomprehensive UFC 102 Preview

August 28, 2009

Well we got a really solid PPV coming up. It has a better than usual card. One day I’m going to get my buddy Shawn from Fightlinker (note: He scooped FilmDrunk)  to do one of these but he just called me and is going to try to have sex with a girl in a rich part of town. For all Betting Lines head over here to DemandMMA.

For those of you that don’t know, the +/- is the money line. -100 would mean you have to bet $200 to win $100 profit. +100 means you would bet $100 to win $200 profit. If it was “even” it’d be $100 to win $100 profit.

So have a seat, pour yourself a drink, and get ready for Gimp and myself to drop a whole lot of knowledge on you, as we give our predictions for UFC 102…

The first fight worth mentioning is Gabirel Gonzaga (-345) v. Chris Tuchscherer (+301). Gonzaga is the heavy favorite and I really don’t see him losing to the jacked up Marshall Mathers. That dude looks like someone threw a bag of Kool-Aid at his face and then hit him with a shovel.

Winner? Gonzaga via Guillotine late round 2.

Gimp: I like Gonzaga here too, however, I wouldn’t take Tuchsherer too lightly. He’s a big dude, which is extremely redundant since he’s a heavyweight, who trains with Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar and has a professional record of 17-1-1. He’s also a Virgo who enjoys long walks on the beach, reading poetry, and pounding people’s faces in.

Gimp’s pick: Tuchsherer by TKO, 1st Round. Just like Kenny Florian, who I refuse to call “KenFlo,” I like to see fights finished. On a side note is it just me or does Gonzaga look like he could be the missing link…

gonzaga

Monkey want a banana?

Brandon Vera (-190) v. Krzysztof “The Polish Experiment” Soszynski (+175). It’s way on the under-card but I like this Soszynski guy even though he’s the dog. I watched his last fight and he was big and mean. Kind of like he’s taken the last 6 decades of jokes where you can replace “Polish” in for “Blond” and turns them into fists, elbows and tattoos. He has no heroes and learned the kimura from Bad News Brown (the WWE fighter). What’s not to love about this guy? I’m not even going to speculate on how he got his nickname. Ok, I guess I will.

Winner? The Polish Experiment via arm bar in the 2nd round.

Gimp: Brandon Vera is either the dumbest fighter in MMA right now, or he knows something that the rest of us don’t. He actually had the balls to say that he would someday hold the Light Heavyweight and Heavyweight belt at the same time. Really? Anderson Silva is realistically capable of holding the Middleweight, Light Heavyweight, and Welterweight belts all at the same time. But he would never say that. Besides he doesn’t like fighting friends, and is far too busy perfecting the fadeaway jab.

fadeway

Gimp’s pick: Dumb Polack by way of submission. Suck on that Vera! 

Next up we got Nate “The Great” Marquardt (-160) v. Demian Maia (+157). Another guy I’m fond of. Nate has a tremendous record at 31-8-2. He also has a tremendous power bomb that The Big Show would be envious of. “Really Logic? Two WWE references?” Yeah. Whatever. I’m sorry.

Illegal? Yes. Awesome? Absolutely.

Illegal? Yes. Awesome? Absolutely.

Here’s that fight from start to finish. Putting Nate against that dude is going to be bad news for that guy’s face.

Winner? Nate via knockout round 1.

Gimp: Demian Maia is to Brazilian Ju-Jitsu, what my hand is to masturbation. Once he gets a tight, firm grip, it’s all over. Sure Marquardt is a great boxer. Sure he has some King of Pancrase titles. And sure Maia’s stand up has yet to be tested. The advantage is in Marquardt’s corner because the fight begins with the fighters standing. So it’ll be up to Maia to get the fight to the ground. In my opinion this fight right here has match bonus potential, ie Submission of the Night.

Gimp’s pick: Maia by way of submission in the 1st round. His BJJ is amazing and way sexier than you could possibly ever imagine.

The next fight up on the card, for those of you following at home, is Chris Leben (-135) v. Jake Rosholt (+125). Rosholt seems to be an up and comer while Leben has been in and out since the Ultimate Fighter 1. Rememeber when he had red hair? And he broke got called a fatherless bastard? And now he got a DUI. And he tested positive for a performance enhancing drug? This guy has a rap sheet like Manny Ramirez, Donte Stallworth and Rick Astley all tied into one. That steroid abusing, drunk driving, ginger wanna-be now has corn rows. Yep. He’s a tool. He does have knock out power but Leben has never been focused.

Winner? Rosholt in a decision.

Gimp: This will be the match where I run to the store to buy more booze. Win, lose, or stadium lights collapsing down into the Octagon, I could care less. Hopefully the cameraman pans over to the ring girls frequently during this match.

Gimp’s pick: Leben by decision, which I hope, fingers crossed, gets overturned due to a failed drug test. Nice samurai back tattoo, dick!

The next fight is Keith “The Dean of Mean” Jardine (-140) (warning excessive techno and blue wigs) v. Thiago Silva (+130) Silva doesn’t really have an impressive resume compared to other Silvas but he is a solid fighter. It’s tough to get a read on the Dean of Mean. He’s beaten Forrest and Chuck while losing to Wanderlei and Rampage. I despise that corny nickname and his but I can’t say that he isn’t a good fighter. He also has a great chin and Silva is more of a striker.

Winner? Silva via decision.

Gimp: Silva is a heavy hitter, while Jardine obviously knows how to bust out some sweet rave moves. Get the glow sticks and ecstasy ready, bitches! Jardine also has a great chin, something usually relocated to girls in the working profession/porn industry. Both are coming off of loses and will be looking for some redemption.

Gimp’s Pick: Silva by way of TKO in the 2nd round. Jardine and his wizard goatee are going to fall lifelessly to the mat. Brain cells will be destroyed, the crowd will cheer, and I will be satisfied…And drunk.

The headline is where the big news comes from. Raaaaaaaandy Couture (-160) v. Minotauro (+150). Couture is 1 of 3 of the UFC’s big PPV draws. They have Brock, Chuck Liddell and Randy Couture. And why not? All three fighters are/were awesome. Couture is getting up there in age (46 years old). Also, remember Minotauro has fought Fedor to a decision. He isn’t a push over. It all depends on what kind of shape Couture is in. If you want to know what I think? Minotauro is going to edge out Couture because he’s going to be in better shape and his loss to Mir was tough because he had the Swine Flu

Frank Mir's Secret Weapon

Frank Mir's Secret Weapon

But if you are going to put a gun to my daughter’s face? I have to go with Couture.

Winner? Couture round 2 via ground and pound.

Gimp: This fight has some serious ramifications for the future of these two fighters. A win here could mean a title shot down the road, as well as in Couture’s case a bargaining chip for a new contract. It might be hard to believe, but Minotauro is actually only 33 years old. On looks alone I would guess that he was the one in his 40s and not Couture.

nogueira

He has no chance at a modeling career once he's done fighting.

Then again what can you expect when you make your living by continuosly taking punches to the face.

Gimp’s Pick: Nogueira via decision. Suck it Logic!

Did we pick something you don’t agree with? Leave it the comments.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. August 29, 2009 11:11 pm

    Logic: 4-2
    Gimp: 2-4

    What a perfectly perfect world we live in.

    • August 29, 2009 11:51 pm

      A perfectly perfect world encompasses NY being sucked into the Atlantic…Which would rid the world of Yankee, Met, Jet, and Giant fans…I’m a fan, if only it could somehow take Boston with it…

  2. August 30, 2009 12:03 am

    Technically I’m 3-3 since I had Leben forfeiting his win anyway…Suck on that Logic!

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