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Burress’ prison consultant promises service will decrease shankings by 80%.

August 27, 2009

The countdown to prison is on for former NFL wide receiver and sweat pant wearing, club goer Plaxico Burress. On September 22nd Burress will be sentenced to prison and my guess is he’s starting to get a little nervous. Why would he, though? He’s only entering a land where shower rape and prisoner stabbings reign supreme. Sounds like Disneyland for felons. He can look at this as the perfect time to kick back, relax and further heal his leg. I guess that’s not enough sound piece of mind for Burress as he’s gone out and hired a prison consultant.

Plaxico Burress’ lawyer says a prison consultant is preparing the former Super Bowl star for life behind bars.

That doesn’t sound very gangsta. Then again either does having your gun, that’s tucked away in your sweat pants, accidentally goes off, ultimately taking a chunk out of your leg. Then again I’m not an OG.

Benjamin Brafman told the New York Post that the ex-New York Giants wide receiver is getting advice on “how to use his period of confinement as productively as possible.”

I hope this consultant is teaching Plax practical stuff. Like not just how to shank a fellow inmate, but the best ways to transport a shank around the prison. Let’s face it, those prison jumpsuits are a one piece. They can’t offer the security and stability that Plaxico has come to expect from the elastic band in sweat pants. It would look really bad on his part if his shank, that he fashioned out of a toothbrush, accidentally fell out of his jumpsuit and shanked his own leg. Talk about embarrassing.

But the most important thing this prison consultant can teach Burress is how not to get anally raped. Because if the animated show “The Boondocks” has taught me anything at all it’s that black men fear being anally raped. I know I do and I’m not even black (NSFWish video from “The Boondocks” below).

Vodpod videos no longer available.

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