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On the chopping block…

August 26, 2009

Last season saw over 5 NFL coaches getting fired. Personally I thought the number should have been much higher. The start of the regular season is right around the corner and for some coaches they’re already on the chopping block. So it’s either time to man up or get in line down at one of the network studios to get an NFL analyst job. Look at Matt Millen, it’s doing wonders for him after losing his GM gig.

I still can’t believe the Lions would ever let that guy go Sarcasm.

So here are my picks for coaches who are close to on their way out from their respected (or in Marvin Lewis’ case disrespected) organizations.

1. Brad Childress (Minnesota Vikings)

Looks almost like...

Looks almost like...

Hey, has anyone told you that you look like Professor Plum from the board game Clue?

Professor Plum from Clue.

Professor Plum from Clue.

You’re fired after this season. Adrian Peterson can only do so much and bringing in Brett Favre is to your team, what that iceberg was to the Titanic. The damage isn’t apparent at first, but slowly it will suck you and your team all the way down into the abyss below. The only one who will come out on top here is Peterson, who will either cling to a floating piece of wood as Childress’ ship sinks or magically walk on water, as some fans believe.

2. Dick Jauron (Buffalo Bills)

Acknowledging the fact that he probably has one season left in Buffalo.

Acknowledging the fact that he probably has one season left in Buffalo.

Dear Dick Jauron,

Who’s dick did you suck to keep your job after last season? Not to mention the last 3 seasons where your team finished 7-9?

And do you really think bringing TO is going help erase the last 3 years? Sure in theory bringing TO sounds like a good idea, but so does communism. And we know for a fact that shit doesn’t work.

Someone is paying you a decent amount of money to have you disappoint them in return. I wouldn’t mind getting in on that action. I’m good at disappointing people, just ask my parents. And what better way to disappoint people than to get paid for doing it.

Hit me back XXX-XXX-XX62

Sincerely,
gimp

3. Marvin Lewis

"First thing I'm doing after I get fired is punching Chad Ochocinco in the face."

"First thing I'm doing after I get fired is punching Chad Ochocinco in the face."

I feel bad for Marvin Lewis. It’s hard to be a good coach when you’re constantly having to make court appearance to give character statements for your players. I mean it has to severely impact your job knowing that during any given game, practice or team meeting that ATF might storm in and arrest some of your players for illegal firearms possession. Felony riddled players aside, Lewis still sucks as a coach and while he’s not the number one overall consensus to be fired, I would be highly surprised if he wasn’t fired. Like unbelievably surprised. Like Dolphins making the playoffs after a 1-15 season, surprised.

On the bubble:

Wade Philips (Dallas Cowboys) – Brett Favre plays the “Will he or won’t he” retirement game every year and Cowboys owner Jerry Jones has his own version of the game which involves Wade Philips coaching job with Dallas. Maybe it’s a mind fuck that Jones derives some type of pleasure from or maybe he’s bipolar and just keeps flipping the switch. Who knows. People from the south are crazy like that.

Wildcard pick:

Jack Del Rio  (Jacksonville Jaguars) – I don’t know. I just have this gut feeling that it could happen. Yeah his contract got renewed last year, but this last season was pretty sub-par. If the Jaguars bomb this year I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets put on the hot seat.

Anyone else you think might or should get the axe, leave it in the comments section.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. August 26, 2009 4:03 pm

    I think Jim Zorn. That dude probably shouldn’t have been a head coach to begin with and Washington loves to spend money. I wouldn’t be surprised if they lure in a big name like Dungy or Gruden away from their TV gigs when Zorn bombs.

  2. August 26, 2009 4:07 pm

    Oh yeah. How could I forget Zorn? Stupid whiskey during the daytime. No way Dungy’s going anywhere. He’s too busy being moral coach to athletes with legal troubles. Maybe Gruden, but only if ESPN doesn’t bring back Kornheiser to MNF. That guy loves the Brett Favre penis.

  3. gally82 permalink*
    August 27, 2009 4:52 am

    Dungy is never coming back! Fuck that guy anyways. If you wan’t to take the best O in the leagues and run it out of the playoffs several years in a row, then by all means take Dungy.
    He’s a fucking Oyster Ditch. With sand in it. Growing a Pearl.
    But you also forgot the other high priced coaches, such as Shanahan, and Cowher.
    I also believe that Zorn will be the first fired, followed by Lewis, and possibly that cunt lick Phillips.

    • August 28, 2009 8:42 am

      No way Childress isn’t the first in line to get the chop. I’ve seen less desperation on a downtown street corner outside the Salvation Army. As I’ve said to gimp, Favre was his (horribly ill-conceived) Hail Mary. Nothing does more for upwardly-mobile morale than deceiving your entire team for months. SKOL VIKINGS, right??

      I also think Childress should get the #’s 2 and 3 spots. Then I have to go for Marvin Lewis, because Ocho Cinco refers to himself as “Esteban”; and my buddy in Denver said yesterday that he’s upped his prediction for the Mares to a 7-9 record, leaving Jauron to bring up the rear.

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