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Love/Hate and Love to Hate. A Fantasy Football Breakdown.

August 26, 2009

I’m not going to lie, I love that Gally put up a Fantasy Page on our blog because this is my addiction. It’s all I have left to stay competitive. Yeah there’s beer league softball and running from the cops but that gets boring after a while. Ok, I might be the jockiest nerd that ever lived but for serious, I’m all about the fantasy sports. Especially when you turn on ESPN and it’s all Plaxico and Vick law troubles or Favre trying to decide if he wants to use the shampoo or conditioner first. Maybe that was Billy Madison? Eh whatever. Two retards that are way past their prime now…

For those of you following along at home or want to see if I actually live and die by my advice (unlike countless ESPN Fantasy Football writers), here is how my draft went with all the rules and regulations.


Who I Love:

Philip Rivers- San Diego Chargers: King Laserface, The Floatmaster General.

I think Rivers is the real deal in the NFL. I’d almost go as far to say he’s a Top 5 Fantasy Talent at the QB Position. Sure he hasn’t won the Super Bowl yet and Rapethisfurberger and Eli “Aw Shucks” Manning both got their rings already but he is by far the better fantasy option. With Vincent Jackson (+1,000 yards, 7 TDs) becoming one of his favorite targets and the chemistry developing we could see a solid duo. Then when you throw Antonio Gates and Chris Chambers (a combined 13 TDs last year) (both barring injuries due to their sandy vaginas) you have an amazing receiving core. But wait, there’s more! LaDanian Tomlinson is (in my opinion) going to have a huge bounce back year and has the best hands on a RB since Marshall Faulk. That little midget Darren Sproles ain’t too shabby either. Hell, I think Kellen Clemens could be All-Pro QB on this team and he can’t do that anywhere.

Aaron Rodgers- Green Bay Packers:

The first year he can officially not hear about Favre. Oh wait. Favre is an attention whoring, spiteful autism patient. He’s going to be like the white Mohammed Ali. Just not as cool. And already speaks stupid. Favre went to the Vikings out of spite. It’s obvious. Revenge. But now, think from the opposite point of view. Aaron Rodgers is going to want to play his balls off just to beat this old man and shut people up. If Rodgers puts two smack downs on him and wins the division that leaves a small window of opportunity for the Vikings (with the Bears on the rise again). Not to mention Jennings and Driver might be the best 1-2 punch in the NFL sans Moss/Welker since Jennings explosion onto your mother’s face the fantasy scene.

Who I Hate:

Matt Schaub- Houston Texans:

Actually, I’d like to throw Kyle Orton or Brett Favre in this category but the first is an easy choice and the latter is a douche bag and from what I gather should have rode off into the sunset with John Madden to retreat to their Brokeback Mountain type environment. Schaub on the other hand does have a top 3 WR talent Andre Johnson on his team. So what. So does Matt Stafford. You going to draft him as your starting QB? That’s almost as crazy as Jason Whitlock thinking someone should sign Jeff George. Or as its commonly referred to as “pants crapping crazy”. I still think the Texans are on the outside looking in and Steve Slaton had one good year. Watch him tear his ACL in Week 2. When Kevin Walter is your 2nd option, your in trouble. Avoid him like women avoid fantasy football players.

Jason Campbell- Washington Redskins:

I actually love Campbell in real life. That’s because I’m a die hard Giants fan. As long as he is at the helm of that team they are going to be in the cellar of the division. I personally thinks he has a stupid over priced WR group and an inept coach. Zorn is going to be bounced out before their bye week (week 8). I promise. I think they’d be much better with Colt Brennan. Hell, I’d blow Matt Schaub on my girlfriend’s dead body if it meant not having Jason Campbell on my fantasy team.

Sleeper Pick:

Brady Quinn- Cleveland Browns:

I think Brady is going to win out that starting job and regardless of THIS PICTURE I think he can be a serious football player. He has good speed and a big arm. If he can get down that “winning the big game” attribute that he didn’t have at ND then he’s going to be a Super Bowl MVP one day, or I’ll eat my hat.

Or, actually… It’d make more sense to go with Trent Edwards. yeah. Edwards is much better. I’m just a Notre Dame fan too. Sorry. TO is a much better target than Braylon “Hands like Feet” Edwards.


Who I Love:

Brandon Jacobs- New York Giants:

Wow that was silly, just admitting I’m a die hard Giants fan and now having Jacobs up here. Whatever, I’m a silly boy. Jacobs is a freak of nature. Everyone knows his size and his bruising ability to break tackles run over tacklers. If you didn’t catch it though, the Giants actually threw to him! On a checkdown! It was amazing! If he can catch passes, he is going to be a top 5 talent in this league. He rushed for almost 1,100 yards last year and he split time! Not to mention 15 TDs. He is the goal line guy. Injuries may plague him but if he can put up those numbers consistently and stay healthy? That’s like a top 2 talent. No argument. Ok, well there is some argument. But I think that way.

Larry Johnson- Kansas City Chiefs:

Ok, don’t put me up on that cross yet. I’m allergic to pine. I think LJ is one of the best RBs in the league when he’s healthy. I know he is an old 29 but running backs don’t decline until 31. Fact. Also, they brought in Matt Cassell, Bobby Engram, Ashley Lelie and Amani Toomer ( ) for a reason right? To throw the ball a bit. So now he isn’t getting 35 carries a game he’s going to last a whole season. It’s going to diminish his short term value but make him more valuable in the long run. Not to mention you can grab this guy in the 4th round like I did.

Who I Hate:

LenDale White- Tennessee Titans:

I think I might be the only one on the earth that thinks the Titans can’t have another magical season like they did last year. Kerry Collins’ alcoholism is going to kick in soon and Vince Young is like the black Jett Travolta. Chris Johnson also decided to pop off for an amazing rookie season so you think they are going to try to get him the ball? Or fat tequilla drinking LenDale? Sure he’ll get goal line carries. So will Jonathon Stewart and Refrigerator Perry. I’m not convinced.

Anyone- Tampa Bay Buccaneers or Baltimore Ravens:

This has got to be the most crowded backfield on the planet. First you have Warrick Dunn (too old), Ernest Graham (who? Exactly.), Cadillac Williams (huge injury plagued bust), not to mention the recently signed Derrick Ward ( ). Way too many RBs to get solid numbers out of any single one. Barring injuries of course.

As for the Ravens they got Ray Rice and LeRon McClain as well as Willis McGahee. If McGahee gets the bulk of the carries it’ll be decent. Or even Rice. I’m not sold on that third nobody.

Sleeper Pick:

Knowshon Moreno- Denver Broncos:

I think this kid is the real deal. I realize he hurt himself. That’s fine. Correll Buckhalter majored “Hurting Myself” in college. Moreno should have the starting job after 15 carried by Buckhalter. And even though there is a new coach, that Denver scheme has always worked. So I’d let Knowshon slip a little and grab him as your 2 or 3 RB in the later rounds but absolutely take a chance on this rookie. He’ll make you look bad if you don’t. He’s much better than Donald Brown, Shonn Green or Beanie Wells.


Dwayne Bowe- Kansas City Cheis:

I don’t know how obvious of a pick this guy is but I wouldn’t think so. Then you go and change QBs and all of a sudden it’s a no brainer. This guy could have 2,000 yards receiving* by the end of the season. And with Tony Gonzalez out of KC there’s more balls to be caught. They did bring in 3 new receivers but still they are going to be the 2, 3 and 4. I would grab this guy in the 3rd or 4th round if possible.


Bernard Berrian- Minnesota Vikings:

This is simple. No jokes. Brett Favre has a big stupid arm and throws wildly down field like he’s trying to kill something far away. That’s Berrian’s specialty and how he made a name for himself. Except he caught the balls from Sexy Rexy. I think this is deja vu. Just with gray hair and Wranglers.

Who I Hate:

Devin Hester- Chicago Bears:

Just because the dude can run doesn’t mean he can catch. Just because I hang out at the high school doesn’t mean I go there. It’s a lot different if your league lets players get points for special teams points (mine combines ST with Defense) because then he is a solid player. Even though Cutler has a big arm and can throw it far and let him go get it, Hester has proved that he’s not good and can’t do that with Grossman. Every single game of his career. He should probably just train with Usain Bolt at this point and join Track and Field.

Jericho Cotchery- New York Jets:

This guy is not a #1 receiver. Nope. He could barely get a 100 yard receiving game last year. And they had that mercenary Brett whatshisface last year. Now he has a rookie QB at the helm? or Kellen Clemens who is just bad? No dice. This is kind of a risky pick for me because if Sanchez has a Matt Ryan year, this is his Roddy White and I’ll have to eat these words. Oh well, I’m over it.


Earl Bennet: Chicago Bears:

Listen. I’m sure you don’t even know who this dude is. He’s probably the 6th WR on Chicago right now. But listen. He went to Vanderbuilt with Jay Cutler. They could re-ignite that chemistry and he could end up being the #1. I’m sure you can grab this dude with a 16th round pick.


Who I Love:

Greg Olson- Chicago Bears:

This guy might run the smoothest routes since Jerry Rice and he’s 6′5” 255 lbs. Plus he runs a 4.44 dash in full equipment. I also heard he was a beast during training camp already. I just missed him in my draft by 2 picks but take this guy in the 6th-7th round. He was taken as the 4th TE overall in my draft, I thought I was the only one who knew about him. He has much more upside than Tony Gonzalez.

Who I Hate:

Tony Scheffler- Denver Broncos:

He was a solid pick up for my team last year. After I traded Gates. This year, he has Kyle Orton throwing him the ball. Or more accurately, Kyle Orton getting a snap and throwing it over his head or getting sacked. Orton blows. Scheffler’s numbers are going to suffer without that gun-slinging, whiny fag Jay Cutler.

Sleeper Pick:

Dustin Keller- New York Jets:

As I said, rookie QBs love their TEs. It’s like their safety blanket. They are usually big targets but what Keller doesn’t have in size (6′2” 248 lbs ain’t that bad though) he makes up for in raw athleticism and soft hands. Too much Lubriderm during his “alone time”. Look for Keller to have a big year and not to be on many people’s boards during the draft.


Who I Love:

Chicago Bears: I think they have a VERY under rated defense compared to years passed when they were so highly rated and rightfully so. They still have probably 2 of the top 5 LBs in the NFC. A great defensive line and shut down cornerbacks. You can’t ask for much more than that. Then when you see in my league that Special Teams touchdowns count towards defense, they have the best return man in the NFL. I’m looking on ESPN right now and only 86% of owners have the Bears. 14% of people are window licking retarded.

Who I Hate:

Washington Redskins: I know they signed the #1 defensive tackle in the league. Haynesworth is a beast. Fact. But what about the rest of their defense? They are pretty soft in my opinion. They lost Jason Taylor. And their best defensive player was murdered. I can’t even name one of the LBs. They just keep letting them go to free agency. I think their best cornerbacks are Darrell Green and Shawn Springs. Yuck. Not to mention they have to play the Wildcat offense twice (or as I call it, the “Circus Abortion”) with the Eagles, the Cowboys and their high powered offense twice and my dominant Giants twice. That’s 6 games against 3 playoff teams. I don’t dig it.

Sleeper Pick:

New York Jets: I don’t know why. They got a new attitude to them. They got some “swagger” if you will. The son of Buddy Ryan (the hardest coach since hardcore was invented) is doing work with that other NY team. I think they really could do some damage. Especially if Miami and Buffalo revert to their old selves. Look for them to do some damage.

I’m not doing kickers because if you care that much, I hate you. Just draft Mason Crosby or Nate Kaeding and you’ll be fine.

But here are some other notables:


Joseph Addai, RB, Indianapolis Colts: There was a reason that people had him ranked as #4 overall in last years fantasy draft. A guy doesn’t just “lose it” in one year. This guy is good and he plays on a good team. Donald Brown and Mike Hart would be solid choices to “handcuff” him with though.

Carson Palmer, QB, Cincinnati Bengals: This dude might have some of the best raw talent for a QB anyone has seen in a while. That injury was bad news for his career but supposedly him and Chad Johnson are on great terms and even though he lost that other conceited dick with the complicated name, he picked up Laveranues Coles. And maybe 3rd WR and local jailbird Chris Henry can help out.

Fred Taylor, RB, New England Patriots: This guy was an All-Star for the first time last year in his borderline Hall of Fame career. Now he moves to New England where Belichick does like to get smash mouth at times. And does anyone else remember what he did for Corey Dillon’s career? And face it, Laurence Maroney isn’t as good as people thought.

Anthony Gonzalez, WR, Indianapolis Colts: Many are saying he’s actually the #1 receiver over Reggie Wayne. So if Peyton likes him, I promise he’ll have a 1,000 yard year.

Jeremy Maclin, WR, Philadelphia Eagles: I think this kid has the best upside of the 3 big name rookie WRs. Heyward-Bey is dropping passed like crazy and Harvin loves the ganja. Plus he will draw the #2 CB due to DeSean Jackson’s breakout performance. Only if Kevin Curtis stops hanging around the depth chart stealing catches. Man, can’t the white guys stop dominating sports?

Kellen Winslow JR, TE, Tampa Bay Buccaneers: I think the change of scenery for this kid could be amazing. If they get a steady QB situation over there it could mean trouble. That’s if he shuts his mouth.


Josh Morgan, WR, San Francisco 49ers: These guys just can’t throw the ball. Frank Gore IS their offense. They are a dumpster fire as a team. I wouldn’t draft a 49er besides Gore if Megan Fox promised to kiss my neck when I did it.

Kevin Boss, TE, New York Giants: This pains me a hell of a lot. But he just isn’t a big play guy. He’s no Shockey. He might even lose his starting spot to that guy with the soccer player’s name.

Michael Turner, RB, Atlanta Falcons: I’m predicting his Sophomore Slump (with the Falcons) before anyone else even mentions it. So go screw.

Jonathon Stewart, RB, Carolina Panthers: DeAngelo Williams is the guy over there. I promise. Stewart isn’t good. He gets goal line carries so in TD heavy leagues he might be solid but if not, steer clear unless your desperate.

Marion Barber, RB, Dallas Cowboys: I think Felix Jones is going to steal a shit ton of carries this year. That kid really proved himself. Unless you’re doing a 2007 draft. Then by all means, draft away.

Santanio Holmes, WR, Pittsburgh Steelers: The dude had one big catch, hop off his nuts. You going to draft David Tyree in the 4th round? Plus the Steelers love to run. It’s their favorite hobby.

Pierre Thomas, RB, New Orleans Saints: They don’t pay Bush the big bucks and promote his face everywhere to start this French black guy. There’s no logic in it.

Eddie Royal, WR, Denver Broncos: Cutler couldn’t have left a more inconvenient time for this guy. Orton’s going to throw 15 times a game. This guy will see 2 of those balls (sounds sexy). The other team will see 4.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. August 26, 2009 3:54 pm

    Just wanted to say HI. I found your blog a few days ago on Technorati and have been reading it over the past few days.

  2. August 26, 2009 4:38 pm

    Nice writing style. I look forward to reading more in the future.


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