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Girlie Gate ’09: Michael Vick hearts the girlie drinks.

August 25, 2009

People are getting up and arms over a picture that has surfaced of dog fighting promoter and NFL athlete Michael Vick drinking a pineapple and vodka in a Philadelphia airport. The uproar…Wait, pineapplge and vodka? Really? Did it come with a little straw umbrella and some fruit slices? Michael you just spent two years in prison. Prison. A place where they ferment fruit on air heaters to create their own alcoholic concoctions.

I mean sure, prison hooch is by far the most god awful thing you could put in your mouth (well besides your cellmate’s junk). But the upside is that after sipping on something that disgusting for 2 years, any other type of alcohol no matter how putrid, has to taste like you’re drinking straight from God’s very own teet. Something so unbelievably magical and perfect, that words themself cannot fully describe it.

Other reports are starting to come out that speculate Vick also recently attempted to blow during a game of beer pong (something relegated to female players),  tried dancing on top of the bar at a Philadelphia club, and was caught drinking hunch punch at a local college party (Geez Mike, everyone knows hunch punch is for the ladies.). While those events do not have any legal ramifications, they are all serious offenses under the mancode.

But in all seriousness how does Girlie Gate affect the terms of Vick’s probation with the NFL?

An Eagles spokesman says, “It does not matter for Michael Vick to drink alcohol, as it does not conflict with the terms of his probation with NFL.”

So if the Eagles are cool with it so should everyone else. It was just a drink. It’s not like Vick went all Leinart Spring Break ’08 by doing beer funnels and taking body shots out of the navals of bikini clad coeds.


It was a pineapple and vodka. And according to the Eagles it did not violate any league sanctioned rules against Vick’s return. The only real punishment Vick should be subjected to is the possible revocation of his mancard, as well as going by the name “Michelle Vick” for a little while.


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