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Chad Johnson U-Streams

August 25, 2009

Alright so at about 11:00PM last night I realized that Chad Ochocinco was U-Streaming live about an hour after I ripped into him for kicking an extra point in a preseason game. The U-Stream was a mutated abortion of so many sorts, this is how it went down:

chadjohnsonpic

i AM a future HOF

85: Hey yo yo yo. Whattup peoples? I don’t really gots to speak to tonight and y’all know I’m bout to be up in 5 hours. I get up at 5am every morning. They don’t even have janitors at the stadium. I clean that shit up. I’m at the field from 5am to 10pm every day. Every day all day, son. I’m homeless.

(takes swig of Red Bull)

85: Like I said, I gotta be outs to get to sleep soon. But I did want to tell y’all that are paying like $1,000 for tickets that I’m going to make it interesting this year. I got celebrations planned. I’ll be playing Scrabble. Trouble. Twister. You know. I got to keep sports interesting. People won’t watch unless I do my celebrations. The NFL wouldn’t get rating. I know I’ll be hurting my team and getting 15 yard penalties and getting fined. It’s ok. It’s worth it to me to keep football interesting.

(Beasley’s face is on the background of Sports Ceneter as Ochocinco reads comment section)

85: You guys are messing with me like the time you thought Ol’ Moses Hair could stop me, right?

(watches Sports Center for 3 minutes leaving 1,400 viewers with the back of his head)

you guys are messign with me right?

you guys are messign with me right?

85: No. You are serious? Child please! Beasley tried to off himself? No way. I gotta give mah dude a call and make sure he’s feeling ok. Same with my bff Plaxico.I haven’t heard from him in a while. I wonder what he’s been up to? Ah, anyway. You guys see me kick? Yeah. I’ll be doing that all season long. I’m going to be doing a lot. Kicking… Playin d… Even quarterbackin!

(checks phone, hits “f-you button”)

"No. No he did not just say that. He's not playing QB. Oh God dammit. Marv is going to let him. God dammit"

"No. No he did not just say that. He's not playing QB. Oh God dammit. Marv is going to let him. God dammit"

85: Wasn’t important. Where was i? Oh. Right.

(checks comment section)

85: How’s my acting career? It’s going serious. Real serious. I know people been giving me a hard time but I use their hate and I use it to motivate myself. I call it “hatavation”. That’s right. Hatavation. Watch. Watch me act right now

(gets into character by closing eyes)

85: “Where’s my money? You said you’d have it by Friday! Where’s my money!”

85: And scene. Wasn’t that amazing? Child please! I know it was.

(checks phone, answers and puts it on speaker holding phone to microphone)

Possible Reality Shows: Dancing? Check. Singing? Good idea...

Possible Reality Shows: Dancing? Check. Singing? Good idea...

Warren Sapp: Hey guys! I’m still relevant. You saw me on the Roast of Larry the Cable Guy right? You know I’m on TV still right? Dancing With The Stars, anyone? Bueller?

(hangs up the phone)

85: Man, that Warren Sapp. My dawg. I love dat dude. Speaking of which. What’s up with Michael Vick? Man. Playa can’t even play? Watch. This is my impression of Michael Vick

(gets into character)

85: “Where’s my money? You said you’d have it by Friday! Where’s my money!”

85: And scene. Dude. I’m legit. I can’t wait to go pro at something. I should act in my celebrations to prove I should be the next Joker. Here’s my card! That’d be awesome. Right? LOL!

(checks phone. answers it)

85: Yo! Jeezy! What up, mah dude?

Waaaazzzaaaaaa!!!

Waaaazzzaaaaaa!!!

(pretends to talk on phone to Young Jeezy for 3 minutes of dead air and U-streaming God awfulness)

85: Aiight Jeeezy. Do you. Kiss tha baby.

(hangs up. turns back to camera, still pretending Jeezy called him)

85: Man. Jeezy is crazy. That dude wants me to come out right now! I can’t. I got to be at the field at 5am. I’m homeless. I’m telling you. How long I’ve been on for? 46 minutes? Ok. Bye.

(end transmission)

Logic: Man, that guy really needs to lay off the Red Bull or needs to start shooting himself in the leg more.

*Editor’s Note: Only slight hyperbole was used in this recreation of Chad Johnson’s U-Stream*

(nod toward Gimp)

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