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The NFL is like Entourage

August 24, 2009

Hello Gallybloggers. My name is Logic. I’ll be the one administering your consensual mind pain this evening.

Think about it. The NFL is exactly like the show that everyone who watches the NFL hates. I happen to love Entourage, (suck it Ufford) and am very upset that my free demo of premium cable has ended in the middle of a season (it’s hard out here for a G). But 9 times out 10 there is someone hating on Entourage and I realized that today. I was at work (no, real work) when I heard some old jew-broad describe Entourage:

“It’s a show about that guy from Walk to Remember who brings his goombas with him to Hollywood. You know, goombas, like Italians.”

After hearing that, I almost began hating one of my favorite shows. But seriously, the NFL is just like it. Listen up and let me school you for a second.

1. NOTHING EVER HAPPENS: After 6 seasons, Vince is still rich, Ari is a prick, Turtle does nothing and Drama is desperate. After 6 seasons Favre is still playing, the Lions are still losing, Philadelphia is still douchey and T.O. is trying desperately to cause drama.

2. When you describe it, it’s gay: “See honey, the idea is for those 11 men to try to pin that 1 man down as fast as they can before he runs away”. Tell me that isn’t the beginning to Cowboys Butts Drive Me Nuts 4?

3. When it comes down to it, 1 jerk is really in charge: Mark Wahlberg = Roger Goodell. Say hello to your mother for me. Yeah it’s Hulu, go screw Canada.

4. (the obvious) All of the douche bags- If you try to tell me a guy that changes his name to Hispanic nonsense is worse than a guy who collects graffiti sneakers I’ll go on a knife crazy rampage.

5. The Long Island Guys are the worst- I’m from LI New York, and so is “E” from Entourage. So is: Vinny Testaverde, Boomer Esiason, D’Brickashaw Ferguson, Amos Zereoue, Rich Ohrnberger and Todd Sauerbrun. Worst group ever. Hey, at least we got Billy Joel. Wait. He’s not cool anymore either? Dammit.

E with 2 of my College Room Mates (each at 5'9'' and 5'7'' respectively)

E with 2 of my College Room Mates (each at 5'9'' and 5'7'' respectively)

6. You almost root for them to fail- Who wants to see Vince do good? The best season was when Medellin bombs. The best season of the NFL was when the 16-0 Patriots lost the Super Bowl. (ok, I’m a Giants fan. When I drink on a Tuesday, I still say I’m celebrating the Super Bowl)

7. You start to hate people for being too awesome- I hate Tom Brady. And his $100 million. And his Super Model girlfriend. And his great looks. And his big arm. And his college degree from Michigain. Just like I hate Vince for sitting around all day reading words that another person wrote for an idea that another person had and he gets 30 tries to do it. Then after, he’ll take the PJ out to Cabo to go party with DJ Tiesto while dropping E-bombs and getting blowies from Jessica Alba.

8. When one person goes down, the world keeps turning- After Vince got shunned from Aquaman, they replaced him
with Jake Gyllenhaal. Michael Vick gets shunned from the NFL and Matt Ryan becomes a stud. It’s like karma for jocks rather than foppish dandies.

9. All the cool scenarios won’t happen in real life- The Super Bowl won’t be Buffalo v. Dallas or NYG v. Colts or Chicago v. Denver. It just won’t happen like that. Just like Aquaman, Medellin and the Joey Ramone story. Awesome ideas, where is the finished product?

10. Despite knowing it’s douchey and there’s better stuff on, I’ll still watch- Sure MMA is probably a cooler sport. Sure Mad Men is probably a better show. But don’t you just like old reliable where the characters are going to toast the night away at the end of the night where you cry yourself to sleep wishing you were them.

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