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Chad EightFive can Kick

August 24, 2009

So the other day in a preseason game, Chad Johnson (**gasp! He said what?!?!**) lined up to kick an extra point. Well, low and behold the master of Hispanical jibberish nailed it right down the middle. Apparently during the game he was twittering about how “Soccer was his first sport”.

Well, he obviously nailed the extra point which went on to being the “game winning” point. So maybe soccer is his first sport. Last year he showed that he wasn’t good at football. Now with the Bengals losing the 6th rated WR in Madden 2010, (that’s weird, I had him at 14th in fantasy. I hope he protests me too) the Bengals could be in trouble.

So maybe it would be best to pursue other options with their highly touted WR who has hands like feet.

  1. Track and Field: Usain Bolt dominates this sport with an iron fist. CJ beat a horse once. Who’s faster?? I say we make it happen.
  2. Twitter Spokesperson: The man is constantly on his Twitter like he is paid to do it anyway.
  3. Babysitter: He already offered to babysit Carson Palmer’s kids if it would help mend their relationship.
  4. Bail bondsman: After that season where the Bengals had more convicted felons than wins, it would be a logical choice for CJ to become a bail bondsman.
  5. Gamer: CJ is constantly on Madden playing it and saying how good he is all the time. Let’s let him put his career on it. I’ll personally beat his ass at Madden. Face it, he has to get up to do wind sprints once in a while. I lay on my couch all day in my bath robe drinking scotch whiskey and playing XBox 360 games that the normal gamer never heard of. Why? Because I beat the rest. That’s why!
  6. Species Namer: He went from the name Chad Johnson to Chad Ochocinco which translates to 85 but not as eighty-five but as eightfive. Help me if I’m wrong, 85 in Spanish is “ochenta y cinco?” Right? Well, I say let the silly bastard name other species. Like this one:

    85: "Hm. I think I'll call it No-Feet McLlamawormstein but translate it to Brazilian. Brazil is so hot right now"

    85: "Hm. I think I'll call it No-Feet McLlamaWormenstein but translate it to Brazilian. Brazil is so hot right now"

  7. Part Time Re-Occurring Roll in the Madea Goes to… Series by Tyler Perry: Is that racist? I assume that he has no acting experience or that they probably don’t know each other but that he could star in a movie about a weirdo fat chick. Racist? I’m over it.
  8. Greeter at WalMart- Who can’t do that job?
  9. Kicker: After his preseason game, I think he’s earned the right to have kicker on the list. He thinks that can lead him to play soccer. He wouldn’t even know how soccer works. He would enjoy the celebrations. 90 minutes of built up testosterone and aggression to burst at that overtime goal. Chad Johnson’s head would explode if testosterone didn’t leak out of his ears in pressure periods. That dude will straight up pop and get fined about $15,000 a game if they don’t release that valve.
  10. Homeless: I think if those 9 jobs failed for him he’d have other options but I also want to know if Ochocinco would melt down the teeth to get by. How long will it keep him a float? I’d love to sell off his assets one by one and give him a limit on his credit card like an adult.
  11. Professional Tweeter Again.: @OGOchoCinco Damn this dude tweets a lot.

Seriously, Chad Johnson might even have a good season. He is opposite Laveranues Coles and Palmer should be at 100% with Cedric Benson pounding the ball away. Who knows if Chris Henry can stay out of prison then maybe they got a shot. Who knows. But, I’d love to keep Chad Johnson’s circus act and watch it like I would watch the Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus. Sit there and know the ringleader is going to die in the middle of a performance.

Update 11:22PM: Chad Johnson says Troy Palumalu has “Moses hair” during his live stream. I tried showing this link during the interview so he could get embarrassed at his future. He talked about silly touchdown dances, being fined and penalized and how it’ll be worth it. He says how the Bengals are the best team in the world and no one can stop them. He said he’ll be playing QB or defense soon. After his kicker stint. Worst time of my life trying to get him to look at the link. Every time he talks it’s like a terrorist attack on my life.

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