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A drinker’s guide to the AFC East.

August 24, 2009

I don’t have what most people consider the necessary “experience” or “credentials” required to post a legit preview of the AFC East. However, what I lack in football knowledge I make up for with my ability to consume vast amounts of alcohol. Something my AA sponsor can attest to. Realistically this post is a drinking game disguised as an AFC East Preview, which is statistically proven to be better than any predictions or fantasy tips that I could possibly give. So sit back, relax, and get your beer/liquor/shots of choice ready for some 2009 AFC East football.

Note:  Drinks are stated as whatever a standard sip is to you. Personal preference varies and can mean a two second gulp to some or shot gunning an entire beer to others. If it says take a shot, it’s referring to a shot of heavy alcohol, ie liquor, but I recommend doing so sparingly. Oh yeah, one more thing. We here at the Gally Blog are not responsible for any harm suffered as a result of actually playing the drinking game suggestions in this post. Seriously, pace yourselves…You lightweights!

Miami Dolphins

dolphinmakeout

The defending champs. Woohoo! Sarcasm Even though I am geographically located down in the penis shaped peninsula of the US of A it’s hard for me to get behind them, mainly because I’m so sick and tired of them running that damned Wildcat formation. Sure it’s effective sometimes, but even when it’s not they will continue to run it until I am out of things to throw at my T.V. From here on out I only want to hear the phrase “wildcat” mentioned when it’s in reference to some sexy cougar who is eye fucking the hell out of me as she sips her peach mango martini from across the bar.

milfmartiniNow that’s a Wildcat I can get behind…

Drinking game to be played while watching the Dolphins:

  • As a rule of thumb anytime the Wildcat is run or even spoken by any announcer take a drink. This will more than likely occur at an astronomical rate during the course of a game so be sparingly with your drinks. That is unless you have a steel clad liver, or access to a fresh IV the next morning, which is rumored to be the best way to overcome a hangover.
  • In the case you make it through an entire quarter without the Wildcat being ran, just finish whatever drink you have in your hand.
  • Since reporters and news media personalities keep referring to Chad Pennington as a short term solution at quarterback have a drink every time Chad Henne is mentioned as being the future at quarterback.
  • Any mention of Bill Parcells should result in a drink. Drink two if Parcells is mentioned in relation to his turning the team around after their 1-15 season.
  • Have a drink anytime the Dolphins march their way down field only to kick a field goal, throw an interception, or come away without any points at all. Drink 2 if you consider yourself to be a Dolphins’ fan. Drink 3 if all the above occurs and you own a Dan Marino jersey. Seriously fuck that guy. Way to never win a Super Bowl during your tenure here…Dick.

New England Patriots

sexybradyfan

Rejoice Massholes and bandwagon jumping fans, Mr. Manpretty, Tom Brady returns from his year off. Brady has spent much of this last year rehabbing his blown out knee and impregnating his super model wife. Coming back from this injury is going to make many Fantasy Football owners skeptical to draft him. It was almost a year ago that his injury screwed 90% of fantasy leagues and put the majority of Patriot fans on suicide watch. Sure Matt Cassel stepped up to save the rest of Patriot Nation from an untimely death, but that guy totally jumped ship to Kansas City. Way to sell out to the highest bidder instead of a championship contender…Douche.

Drinking game to be played while watching the Patriots:

  • Any mention of Brady’s injury from last year should result in 2 drinks.
  • Any mention of Matt Cassel at all should be followed up by a drink. If by some chance you actually went out last season, bought a Matt Cassel jersey, and still have it in your possession tack on 5 more drinks. Promptly followed by going out into your backyard and setting that sucker ablaze.
  • Any time Bill Belichick is shown on the sidelines have a drink. If he’s yelling or looks especially angry have 2 drinks. If he is actually smiling have 3 drinks and rewind your DVR to make sure that really just happened.
  • If at anytime during the broadcast the announcers pull up the diagram of coaches who have coached under Bill Parcells, take 3 drinks. That part always annoys me. I feel like T.V. stations do that almost every time they air a Patriots’ game.
  • If Bill Belichick starts to run up the score, have a drink. Have 2 drinks if you support this move, because you probably openly support this by saying something douchey in a Boston accent. And have a 3rd drink if you own some memorabilia in honor of the undefeated regular season record. In fact punch yourself in the face. If you can’t, have a friend do it for you. That’s what friends are for.

New York Jets

jetsdoucheD-O-U-C-H-E! Douche, douche, douche!

I may not be a die hard Dolphins’ fan, but Jet fans annoy the unbelievable hell out of me. J-E-T shut the fuck up. It may be the obnoxious New York attitude, but having Brett Favre on your team, if even for one season, is more than enough for me to hate you. Also it’s important to note that Mark Sanchez is not the hispanic 2nd coming of Joe Nammath. If I could will a team to go winless in a season it would be the Jets.

Wow after rereading that paragraph I can definitely say there is some unbridled hatred and I can’t figure out where it came from. I’ll note that and make sure to discuss this in further detail with my therapist.

Drinking game to be played while watching the Jets:

  • When the cameramen pans across the crowd, take a drink for every Jets fan that’s throwing up a number one sign, that doesn’t involve the middle finger. If they are flicking off the camera, your drink can be deferred, but I’d probably call you a gaping vagina. Take 2 drinks if the above scenario is occurring in a game later in the season when the Jets are clearly not the number one team in the NFL, let alone the AFC East.
  • Any mention related to Mark Sanchez including, but not limited to the Jets trading up to get him or how he played under Pete Carroll at USC take 2 drinks.
  • If the commentators mention their collapse toward the end of last season have 3 drinks. Take an extra 2 on top of that if you’re a die hard Jets’ fan and bringing up that memory makes you feel like crying. Remember alcohol makes for a great coping mechanism.
  • If you’re out at a bar watching a Jets’ game and your fellow bar mates explode into a J-E-T-S chant, a loud celebratory cheer, or a loud groan of dismay have a drink. Pointing and laughing at their displeasure is acceptable, but should be done in a cautious manner. Like before the second half starts when they get belligerently drunk. At which case you might want to do so behind their backs, if not at all.

Buffalo Bills

oldbiker

Not since my ex-girlfriend in college who would regularly attend the local tanning salons, have I seen someone welcome cancer into their life with open arms. I’m of course referring to the signing of Terrell Owens. Good luck with that. He’ll start out the team player that no one expects him to be, and slowly devolve into the full blown cancer that calls out coaches, players, and management personnel. Don’t worry Bills’ fans. Unlike real cancer you’ll be able to excise TO, you just have to wait a year.

Drinking game to be played while watching the Bills:

  • If Dick Jauron gets fired during the middle of the season, start the following game off by chugging 2 beers. How he didn’t get fired after last season amazes me? If he is not fired by next season’s start or sooner I’d be highly surprised.
  • Have a drink every time TO drops a pass and looks up in disgust as if it was Trent Edwards’ fault.
  • Any time the announcers mention TO’s past history with teams, ie. TO being a dick, take 2 drinks.
  • Any time the announcers mention the playoff drought that the Bills have been experiencing for almost 10 years take a drink. Take an extra 2 drinks if their stupendous run of losing Super Bowls is mentioned.
  • As the cameramen pan the crowd, take a drink for every fan you see wearing a J.P. Losman jersey. Take a shot of alcohol, if you or someone you know actually owns/owned a J.P. Losman jersey. Recommended shot is a Buffalo Sweat shot. Not sure what that is? You can Google it, but my experience in college taught me that a true Buffalo Sweat shot is when the bartender soaks up the surrounding liquid on the bar top and rings the rag out into a shot glass…Bon appetit!

Misc. drinks to be taken while watching any game involving an AFC East team:

  • 2 drinks if Brett Favre is mentioned at all. Ever. Take a shot if Favre is actually playing in the game. If you find yourself being a huge Favre supporter or have yet to find yourself annoyed by all his flip flop, retire, unretire, retire and unretire shenanigans have 5 drinks…And at this point I don’t mean sips. I’m talking actual drinks. Hopefully you don’t get alcohol poisoning, but maybe the brush with having your stomach pumped will make your reconsider a few things in your life.
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One Comment leave one →
  1. Loniseittee permalink
    May 3, 2010 2:13 am

    If you live in Weston Florida and plan on refinancing an existing mortgage or get a new mortgage beware of scam artist Tulio J. Rodriguez. This so called “Mortgage & Finance Specialist” will tell you just about anything to get your business. His group of scavengers “Real Estate Agents and Mortgage Specialists” lie through their teeth to take your money.

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